Thursday, September 27, 2007

HorrorScope Sept 28 - October 4

Weekly HorrorScope Sept 28 - October 4
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). When walking around a department store, someone will mistake you for a sales associate because of that stupid polo shirt you always wear. If they ask for directions, make sure you send them to the Plus-Sized-Fitness clothing department – there are too many fat loads these days.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). You might not remember this, but as a child, you ate lead paint. Actually, that’s probably why you don’t remember eating it in the first place.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). Be careful of a tendency to be overly critical towards others right now. We all know that babies look like shrunken, shriveled up old people, but you probably shouldn’t say that at your sister’s baby shower.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). Before you profess your ever-undying love to your current crush, make sure he/she doesn’t have a jealous significant other that will bash your face in like an overripe pumpkin.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Do you smell that? I think something is burning.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). The only true fortune someone has is the love of our friends and family. Sorry that you're broke.

Today's birthday (Sept 27). Congratulations - you will receive yet another ugly sweater from grandma. Grin and bare it for the old dame, would yah?

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). The shortest distance between two people is a smile. You can get there faster if you aren't wearing any clothing.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). Romance comes into your life this year in a very unusual sort of way; someone who has a crush on you will send you their ear in the mail. Hey, it worked for Van Gogh. Oh, wait, it didn't...

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Before you go around trying to find all the proper parts of your epic “Spartan” Halloween costume, perhaps you should grow some abs or at least consider shaving your chest. No one in Sparta ran around with a rug like yours.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). Holding yourself back from temptation for a while – you’re acting like a total slut. A crab is not just a type of shellfish.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Your Adam Sandler impersonation is not funny, nor is it accurate in any way. Please stop.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). You are what you eat. So, I guess that means you are the pubic hair of that waiter that hates you at Friday's.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Anything worth doing can be done. Anything that isn't worth doing should never be done. Therefore, how is it that Britney has two kids?

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.

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Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Do you LOVE Halloween?

Wiccan Chicken is posting an article about silly, fun, and/or easy Halloween costume ideas in the next edition of Wiccan Chicken. If you would like your voice to be heard (he'll add your real name/screenname with website link), feel free to submit ideas and tips on costume creation!

Also, if you have made an awesome costume in the past, feel free to send us a picture and give us one or two tips on how to make it!

Please e-mail by Saturday, September 30th. If he gets enough submissions, we'll post up several other blogs leading up to Halloween so you have a GOOD CHANCE AT GETTING FEATURED!

Good luck!

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Thursday, September 20, 2007

HorrorScopes Sept 21 - Sept 27

Weekly HorrorScopes Sept 21 - Sept 27
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). Unlike that Wiccan guy in Maryland, you will not win the lottery today. And he asked if you could please stop calling him for "donations" to your "cause."

(April 20-May 20). There are more chickens than humans in this world. Someday, we’ll dine on Human McNuggets.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). They wont ever reveal what the monster in “Lost” actually is, so you should just quit watching.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). If it were 1984, you could have been really popular.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Yes, when something in your fridge turns that color, you should throw it out.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Congratulations! This week, you will no longer need to need to wonder what it's like to get maced.

Today's birthday (Sept 20). Happy Birthday! Today’s fortune will be in Morris Code: -.-- --- ..- / .- .-. . / .- / .-.. --- ... . .-. / .-- .. - .... / - --- --- / -- ..- -.-. .... / ... .--. .- .-. . / - .. -- . .-.-.-

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Your emotions will be entirely replaced by emoticons.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). Pluto is aligning with Jupiter. Normally, this means you would have a great day, but since Pluto is no longer a planet, you’ll probably get kicked in the groin or something.

(Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Three words: Projectile yeast infection.

(Dec. 22-Jan. 19). You can do anything you set your mind to, but only in the realm of failure.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Every year, thousands of Americans spend way too much money on weirdly-named-faux-Swedish furniture from IKEA. Don't become a statistic; put the "Billy" Bookcase down and buy some furniture that isn't made of pencil shavings.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). New opportunities for work and romance will present themselves this week when you are sold into prostitution.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Next time you eat out, proceed with caution – the female genitalia are very sensitive.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.

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Thursday, September 13, 2007

HorrorScopes Sept 14 - Sept 20

Weekly HorrorScopes Sept 14 - Sept 20
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). Beware of vegetable medleys; You know E.coli has been going around.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). Always remember, C is for cookie and that is good enough for all of us.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). Behold the power of cheese.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). The beginning of this week starts out with a load of hoo-ha that will dampen your livelihood, but at least you might find a few bucks in your couch cushions if you dig hard enough.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Everyone has to play the role of the primo-weenie once in awhile. The quicker you embrace it the quicker it will pass. Be one with the weenie.

(Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Buy a pigmy goat. Name it Whoohockers.

Today's birthday (Sept 14). Ho-oh, it's your berfday, get down, it's your berfday! Just get drunk and talk a load about all those sweet things you could've done with your life and try not to barf in your hair at the end of the night.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Go on vacation. When you come back, show everyone a bunch of boring pictures of you and a crew of people they don't know and marvel at how good they are at faking interest.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). Power bars… check. Juice machine…. Check. Gym membership… check. Cheeky spandex leopard print uni-tard… check. It's time to get those buns of bread dough back into buns of steel…or at least hardened stale bread.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). If you want to free up some time, experiment with a new walk, a swagger if you will, add a lil' bounce every few steps for extra giggles. You see, people leave you alone if they think you’re crazy.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). A veil of depression has floated over your head. It's because you suck.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). The Invention Submission Corporation is going to pitch a fit with your non-stop quest for wealth. Get your head out of the clouds and do some actual work for cash. Lazy Bum.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). You will feel sick...and tired...and bloated. You're either coming down with something or pregnant. Good luck with that.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Man who takes lady on camping trip have one intent.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.

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Wednesday, September 12, 2007

MTV VMA Britney Spears Conspiracy Theory

Biggie's Ideas
Okay. I just had to follow-up on my last article with a Britney Conspiracy Theory. Seems that SOMEONE doesn't agree with our criticisms about Britney. Just watch:

And this obsessed, crying fan isn't the only one that showed some waterworks. My sources tell me that Britney Spears was bawling like a baby back stage after her failed performance of “Gimme, Gimme” at this week’s MTV Video Music Awards, but then she was reported to be “partying up a storm” after the fact. Partying SO much that for the second time in paparazzi history, she forgot to wear her underpants.

Honey, we all KNOW you had a nice pair of sparkly ones given to you by MTV in case you couldn't afford them! Where did they go?

I'm suspicious that she was so panicked about her botched performance, she purposefully lost her britches to take some of the attention off of her lethargic dancing. Am I wrong here? Let me know:

Do you think Britney "forgot" her underwear on purpose after the VMA's?

Yup. And that was a dumb idea.
No way. She was just drunk & forgot.
I don’t care, she’s just a skank.
Who the heck is Britney Spears?

(View Results)

Create a Poll

Oh, Britney, don't prove the fabulous Ms. Sarah Silverman right: "She is amazing. I mean, she is 25 years old and she's already accomplished everything she's going to accomplish in her life."

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Monday, September 10, 2007

Biggie Reviews the 2007 MTV Music Awards

Biggie's Ideas
So for all of you who missed the VMAs, I just want you to know that I did a little VMAing myself last night, that is, Vomiting My Ass off as I watched Britney's much-hyped comeback. If you feel like up-chucking, here is the video of our favorite former hit pop star with "Gimme More Live".

I must say it was much like witnessing a car accident - horrifying, and yet I couldn't avert my eyes. Britney's performance was a far cry from what we're used to and seemed more like a low budget performance put on at a club for transvestites. And you know I LOVE some of the girls down at the tranny club, but not on public tv, sweetie!

Between her lip-synching, lethargic attempt at dancing, and less than flattering bra-and-panty get-up, Britney was a disappointment. In fact, as the camera panned the audience, Fifty Cent, Kid Rock and others had a confused and almost sympathetic look on their faces. What's worse is that the shock seemed to linger, as Sarah Silverman's opening jokes evoked only a fraction of the response that the outspoken comedian typically receives.

While Britney left us wondering if the VMAs were playing a cruel joke on us, her ex-boyfriend Justin Timberlake brought us back to reality as he collected 4 awards, including Male Artist of the Year. You go, boy!

As bad as Britney's performance was, it made Chris Brown's performance stand out all the more. Performing "Wall to Wall" with an old-time carnival theme, Brown's moves were anything but old. The choreography along with his sick dance skills were enough to give Usher a run for his money. In fact, Brown even added a brief tribute to "Billie Jean" in there, just to show Michael Jackson's not the only one who could dance like that. Hopefully Brown won't start taking on any of Jacko's strange mannerisms.

Although she looked like a bloated Greek goddess, Beyonce took home the Earthshattering Collaboration award for her and Shakira's "Beautiful Liar." And not surprisingly, Rihanna's "Umbrella" won Monster Single of 2007, which convinces me that it's no longer a question of talent or lyrics, just who can sing the most annoying song ever. Eh? Eh Eh?

That's all I have for the VMAs, except one last plea: Britney, honey, we were all rooting for your “come back.” But unless you fire whoever made you dance around like Stripperella, you’re gonna end up doing MCI commercials with the rest of the has-beens.

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Thursday, September 6, 2007

HorrorScope September 7-13

Weekly HorrorScope Sept 7 - Sept 13

By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). You will stub your toe. Repeatedly. Get your vision checked.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). You will find a rare and valuable coin in your house. Also, someone you know will also play a mean trick on you and waste a lot of your time.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). You will not be attached by a swarm of angry midgets wearing go-go boots this week. Sucks for you, that sound like it might be a lot of fun.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). You will get the feeling that people are talking about you behind your back. Don’t worry about it - they totally are, and there is nothing you can do about it.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Today, your phone number was sold to a telemarketing company that will call you every Saturday at 8:30 a.m. for the next four years.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). A vague prediction you read on the internet sometime this week will be somewhat relative to your life.

Today's birthday (Sept 6). Happy Birthday! You might be fat, but at least you have a pretty face.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Today is a good day for romance. Restock your van with candy and stuffed animals.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). You’ll find out you are deathly allergic to a common household substance. I would stop huffing random chemicals you find in the basement.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Cruising the mall for Back-To-School savings isn’t going to help you with your looming deadline - stop procrastinating! Besides, you look like a moron with that JanSport bookbag. What are you, 10?

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). After what you did, you don't even deserve to know your fortune for the week. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Stop calling you ex and hanging up. It's creepy and they know it's you. Freakin' weirdo...

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). You should get that rash checked out.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: When the moon aligns with Uranus, you’re bound to have a shitty time.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.

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Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Penny for Your Thoughs: Re: 9% of U.S. Kids Have ADHD

Penny for Your Thoughts:

"Re: 9% of U.S. Kids Have ADHD"

By Pagan "Penny" Penguin

Read this horse crap from the Washington Post:9% of U.S. Kids Have ADHD

Are you wondering the same thing as me - how much did some pharmaceutical company pay these scientists to do this research? Because as far as I can see, this sounds like a bunch of disease mongering.

Now, let me start off by saying that I’m not teasing the people in this world who genuinely have a medical problem. But since there is no laboratory or imaging test that can indicate reliably whether someone has ADHD, I’m suspicious that the general populous has given into the epidemic “marketing” of this disorder.

Plain and simple, this world medicates too much for personality-type.

I mean, don't you ever remember being a pre-teen? Weren’t you also a whiny brat that thought the world “didn’t understand you”? It's called puberty, not ADHD! It’s perfectly normal to feel a little confused when you’re hormones are going nuts and you feel like you’re trapped in your own awkward body. But somehow, for thousands of years, we’ve been able to make it through to adulthood without all these prescription drugs shoved down our throats. Heck, I would like to see a study on to evaluate how many drugged-up youngsters ended up abusing substances later in life, simply due to the fact that their parents gave them prescription drugs to chew on when they cried instead of gummy bears.

But I hear it time and time again – “My four-year old runs around the backyard screaming at the top of his lungs! I saw a commercial where a kid was doing the same thing. Do you think I have a child with ADHD?” Congratulations. You have a four-years-old. That’s just what they do.

How about some old-fashioned discipline? I’m not talking about spanking, I’m just telling you to just have a freaking backbone every once in a while! Don’t reward your toddler for throwing a temper tantrum and they’ll eventually stop throwing them. And when your pre-teen starts sobbing for $100 jeans so she can look like Britney Spears, don’t put her on anti-depressants. Just stick her in a paper hat and make her flip some burgers for those fancy-pants. Sure, she’ll hate you for it today, but she’ll thank you 10-years from now when she actually understands the value of a dollar.

Here is scary, but realistic scenario: Billy acts out in class, so the school nurse pressures his parents to medicate him, and the parents cave because they don’t have time to deal with a “troubled” child. So, whenever it’s time to hand in homework, he gives a little doctor's note that says, "Billy can't do his homework because he's bipolar/depressed/paranoid/schizophrenic and/or has really bad jock itch. Please excuse him from doing any work for the next four years of high school."

So, the other kids ask why Billy doesn’t do homework. He reveals that if you pretend to be sad or “crazy”, your parents will take you to the doctor for a note so you don't have to try as hard in school. He’ll even admit that his mom cried for joy when he played video games all day because he was “taking initiative, set goals and achieving something." What a crock of shit.

All the kids get jealous and cry home to mommy, who has just seen seventeen infomercials about “AHDH Awareness” during daytime television. The kids get “diagnosed”, the doctors get paid, the pharmaceutical companies get paid, the parents no longer feel guilty, the school no longer has to teach, and the kids happily pass excuse notes forward while slowly turning into zombies.

You see, the one thing that Billy's note doesn't mention is that antidepressants are addictive and detox can be a struggle. Some kids can’t handle coming off the meds, so they find other kids to sell them their prescriptions. Forget about lunch money - all you need is a $5 hit of antidepressants to satiate you. Get a grip people – you’re turning your kids into lazy, uneducated, suicidal junkies. If you think I’m exaggerating, google some medical forums and read about the reported side effects.

So, when your kids come home from school with bad grades, don’t start lacing their cereal with drugs. Just get to know your child. Talk to them like an adult, instead of nagging or coddling them. If that doesn’t work, get a few professional opinions and counseling before you use drugs as a pacifier.

Have we learned nothing from Bart Simpson from Episode SI-1022, where his class becomes victim to a new fad drug called “Focusin?” But what do we know? We’re just cartoon characters.

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