HorrorScopes May 9-May 15

Weekly HorrorScopes May 9-May 15

By Pagan "Penny" Penguin

Special Note: Since Wiccan Chicken has a major beak surgery this week. I will be handling the HorrorScopes, so don't worry, they won't be watered down by his P.C. sensibilities. You'll get nothin' but the truth, kids.

Today's Birthday (May 9). You're an assface.

Aries (March 21-April 19). You're a buttmunch.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). Your mother's a whore.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). You're a liar.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). You are also a liar.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Your pants are on fire.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). You nose is a long as a telephone wire.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). You smell funny.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). You look funny.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). You aren't funny.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). You. You're the worst of them all.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Eh, I got no problem with you. You're pretty cool.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). Oh, don't even get me started on your crazy ass.


Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Pagan Penguin has her period. I'm not saying anything.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.