HorrorScopes May 16-22

Weekly HorrorScopes May 16-22
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). You should try to de-stress by taking a leisurely walk, meditating, or practicing some light yoga. If you don't, your heart will explode inside of your chest and they will find your rotting corpse permanently adhered to the computer where your face burned into the LCD monitor.

Today's Birthday (May 16): You share a birthday with Janet Jackson! You also coincidentally have similar family backgrounds, including a brother that enjoys wearing sequins and molesting children and possibly monkeys. And monkey children wearing sequins.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). You will launch into another Get Rich Quick scheme which will leave you with about 3,000 custom-designed watermelon stress balls. I know, I know, it sounded like a good idea at the time...

Gemini (May 21-June 21). If you keep walking around barefoot at your gym, you're going to spawn a new form of foot fungus that burns painfully but tastes delicious on pizza.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). You will get replaced by a 20-year old that gets paid half your salary but gets work done three times as efficiently at your job. Don't worry, you can always get a job as one of those senior-citizen Walmart greeters!

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Hey, is that actually your real hair?

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). You really need to focus on setting some goals in your life. Start by eating some healthy food with a proper knife, fork, and plate rather than those sporks they give you at KFC when they hand you your plastic bowl filled with cheese, mashed potatoes, and chicken neck mixture.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). It should be a fairly busy week for you with lots of phone calls, conversations and contacts with many different people dominating your agenda. You know, the bill collectors wouldn't bother you so much if you just paid off that gym equipment you bought and never used.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). Just throw out that pair of jeans – you were never able to fit your fat ass into them quite right anyhow.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Your selfishness will be at an all-time high this week when you steal quarters from your friends' couch cushions to buy yourself a dozen donuts that you will eat alone in your apartment like some ravenous hyena.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). In fact, the average American uses between 300 and 700 plastic bags per year. You can help the environment by picking out one favorite plastic bag, putting it over your head, and breathing deeply.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Some people can bounce a quarter off their stomach. Amazingly enough, quarters can actually orbit around the small planet you used to call your midsection.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). You need to work on your self-esteem or you will be doomed to dating the leechy, sociopathic, moronic losers that you seem to always draw into your life. These days it's like flies to shit, so you need to either get some bug spray or watch your fiber intake.


Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: If you keep your feet firmly on the ground at all times, you'll probably ave trouble putting on your pants.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.