HorrorScopes May 30-June 5

HorrorScopes May 30 - June 5
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). Warming something frozen up in the microwave does not make you a chef. Besides, roadkill should really be grilled or at least deep fried in lard.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). Your ass has exceeded the weight limit of your pants. Next time, invest in a forklift as an accessory.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). Your neighbors can smell your laundry hamper from their living room. You should probably pull grandma out of there before they call the cops.

Today's Birthday (May 30): As you try to take a bite out of your birthday cake, someone will come up next to you and punch you in the face.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). Do the world a favor and skip that onion bagel in the morning. Oh, you didn't have an onion bagel? Then what the heck are you brushing your teeth with - armpits?

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). You will get your snout stuck in a jar trying to get "Hunny". You will panic and slowly asphyxiate.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). You are depleting the world's water supply with your horribly dry sense of humor.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). You better watch your step. This level has lava pits. And no magic mushrooms.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). Try to shake things up a little bit. But not babies. You should really stop shaking babies, it's rude.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). You will invent colon-lingus. You might wanna try flossing afterwards.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). You might think you are dark and mysterious, but really you're more awkward and creepy. I mean, what kind of person gets aroused driving past cemeteries?

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Your childhood scars are not an excuse to be a douchebag all the time. But your face is. Oh!

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). Life has been rough for you lately, so you should let loose and do something wild. Like maybe get a new haircut or kick a puppy.


Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: If the shoe fits, wear it. Unless you're a woman. Then you have to buy a smaller size of it, in every color, and only wear it once and complain about it the whole time.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.