HorrorScopes Sept 21 - Sept 27

Weekly HorrorScopes Sept 21 - Sept 27
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). Unlike that Wiccan guy in Maryland, you will not win the lottery today. And he asked if you could please stop calling him for "donations" to your "cause."

Taurus (April 20-May 20). There are more chickens than humans in this world. Someday, we’ll dine on Human McNuggets.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). They wont ever reveal what the monster in “Lost” actually is, so you should just quit watching.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). If it were 1984, you could have been really popular.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Yes, when something in your fridge turns that color, you should throw it out.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Congratulations! This week, you will no longer need to need to wonder what it's like to get maced.

Today's birthday (Sept 20). Happy Birthday! Today’s fortune will be in Morris Code: -.-- --- ..- / .- .-. . / .- / .-.. --- ... . .-. / .-- .. - .... / - --- --- / -- ..- -.-. .... / ... .--. .- .-. . / - .. -- . .-.-.-

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Your emotions will be entirely replaced by emoticons.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). Pluto is aligning with Jupiter. Normally, this means you would have a great day, but since Pluto is no longer a planet, you’ll probably get kicked in the groin or something.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Three words: Projectile yeast infection.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). You can do anything you set your mind to, but only in the realm of failure.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Every year, thousands of Americans spend way too much money on weirdly-named-faux-Swedish furniture from IKEA. Don't become a statistic; put the "Billy" Bookcase down and buy some furniture that isn't made of pencil shavings.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). New opportunities for work and romance will present themselves this week when you are sold into prostitution.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Next time you eat out, proceed with caution – the female genitalia are very sensitive.









Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.