HorrorScope January 25-31

Weekly HorrorScope January 25 - January 31
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). Make the world a better place by bitch-slapping the next insolent teenie-bopper that rolls their eyes when you ask for whipped-cream on your latte. This whole "Me" generation crap has got to stop. If you are paying $5 for a cup of coffee, that should definitely include a free side of whoopass at your discretion.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). You should always look both ways before you cross the street and more importantly, look in the mirror before you leave the house. That booger has been on your face ALL day.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). The whole "It didn't count because it was in another zip code" thing is B.S. Your partner will find out that you cheated when that "other zip code’s" scabies rash shows up.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). Why do you continually waste money diet and exercise books, DVD’s, and gym memberships? You know you're never gonna use them! You might as well just save your money and use it to buy more Cheetos or something.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Yes, they are snickering about your purchase after you leave your local pharmacy.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). If you don't service your car soon, it's going to blow up in your face. Oh, I'm sorry, did we say car? We meant "wife".

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Your landlord wouldn't keep your entire damage deposit if you just put something underneath your shaving cream can so the rust doesn't get on the shower ledge. 'Cuz you KNOW that's worth at LEAST $800 in landlord's terms....

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Sept. 21). All the garlic and beef you're eating is coming out of your pores and making you smell like a fat camp on a hot day. Mix up your diet a little if you ever want to get intimate with a real human.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Your best friend will finally confess an embarrassing secret after months of bottling it all upside. Make sure you post it up on your blog tonight so we can all "feel their pain" - and laugh our freaking butts off.

Today's Birthday (January 24): Wow, you share the same birthday as Will Smith! As awesome as that is, you probably don't want to exchange gifts with Old Will, lest you end up with a Scientology Stress Test like he bought you LAST year.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). If you keep acting irresponsibly, you and Heath Ledger are going to have a lot in common - and we certainly don't mean great hair, a sexy smile, and a killer Australian accent.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Someone at the office has a crush on you. Clues: It's the person that keeps coming over just to ask you trivial questions...the person that laughs at all your jokes...Have you guessed yet? Okay, last clue: It's the person that keeps the heads of ex's in the freezer in the basement.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). Everyone knows that your complaints that "life is holding you back" are just excuses because you're too stupid and lazy to actually do anything better. Change your attitude (and your underwear) and things will get better.


Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: There's nothing to fear but fear itself...and of course vaginal dentata.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.

HorrorScope January 18-24

Weekly HorrorScope January 11 - January 17
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). Always remember to always think before you act . If you've seen any film with Hayden Christensen, you would see an example of an Aries that NEVER thinks before he acts.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). Don't waste your money on that nose job, it will just call more attention to your beak. People will just say, “Hey, So-and-So got a nose job!” rather than “Wow, doesn’t So-and-So have a fine looking shnozz? I think it’s time to give them a raise.”

Gemini (May 21-June 21). Unless you have already seen Cloverfield, we suggest you get the heck off the internet and go see it before some vindictive a-holes post spoilers everywhere. You know, we didn't even have to be psychic about the end of Harry Potter - some jerk wrote it on the freaking bathroom stall door. Don't worry, shortly thereafter, he got hit by a bus (the guy that wrote on the bathroom door, not Harry Potter. Harry Potter gets eaten alive by a mongoose.)

Cancer (June 22-July 22). Your complete lack of ethics would make you a great business person and an extraordinarily corrupt politician. I mean, look at what it did to your fellow Cancer buddy, George W. Bush?

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). You've always been a little bit psychic, which is why you are convinced that the CIA is tapping your phone calls. Really, your life is not that interesting, so that "funny feeling of being watched" is just your ISP logging your illegal downloads.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). You've always held the attitude that if you want something done right, do it yourself. But since your toilet is still is leaking into your neighbor's living room and the computer you repaired still smells like burning plastic, why don't you scrap that idea and call a professional?

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). You are always very sympathetic to other peoples' problems and you care about the fate of the world a great deal. This makes you a complete sucker 80% more susceptible to online scammers.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Sept. 21). Beware of papercuts from manila folders. They bleed FOREVER!

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Your lack of disciple will hurt you when you miss a deadline because of your drinking binge the night before. Your boss won't get as mad at you if you actually change out of your smoke-filled, beer/mystery stained party outfit this time.

Today's Birthday (January 18): Happy Birthday & Happy Winnie the Pooh Day. Feel free to binge on cake and cookies to celebrate these momentous occasions, but don't be surprised if your ass gets stuck in a window or when your snout gets lodged in a jar full of "Hunny".

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). Quit blaming your life's problems on your crappy childhood; your problems are caused by the simple fact that you're a complete moron.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). You are extremely practical, which also makes you really boring. At times, people avoid you so they can escape your endless, pointless, dry conversations. Come on Aquarius - no one really wants to see those pictures from your damn kid's birthday party.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). Pisces women might think they know what's best for people, but their know-it-all attitude comes off as more bitchy than helpful. You only have the right to criticize people that came screaming out your nether regions, so that includes your children, your husband, and that one-night stand that you probably don't remember. Pisces men should go get that lump examined.



Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. This makes you very attractive to the deaf, dumb & blind.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.

Vegan Dessert Recipe: Frozen Banana Whips

Banana Whips My Heart in Two!
by Wiccan Chicken

I recently discovered this recipe hanging out with my vegan friend who also has celiac disease, a condition which does not allow her to ingest wheat gluten. This cuts out a LOT of food choices, but somehow, she managed to amaze me with her cooking, especially a simple , healthy, low-fat dessert called "Banana Whips".

Step 1: When your bananas start to turn a little brown, peel them cut them and cut them into chunks (make sure you get rid of the bitter little "threads" that sometimes stick to the banana).

Step 2: Place banana chunks in a plastic bag/in plastic wrap and freeze them overnight.

Step 3: Place a handful of bananas in a food processor and process for about 3 minutes until they are the texture of thick yogurt. Serve immediately.

That's it - ONE ingredient. And I'm telling you, it tastes like frozen yogurt! The natural gums in bananas allow you to whip them into this tasty treat! Sometimes I like to add a tiny splash of gluten-free rice milk just to get the processor gears "Wet" in order to have an easier time blending.

Who needs ice cream when you can have a serving of fruit that tastes just like it? Fit, friendly, vegan, and gluten-free!

If you want to get fancy, you can also any combination of these variations (just make sure the mixture if mostly bananas or else it will fall apart):

-Add one large frozen strawberry to each 1/2 cup banana serving.
-Add one large chunk of frozen mango for each 1/2 cup banana serving, garnish with a lime to make it fancy!
-Add 2 Frozen Blackberries (the fruit, not the mobile device) in with each 1/2 cup banana serving. Even a small amount will turn your mixture into a nice purple color!
-Add 1/3 cup of finely chopped nuts (you can do it before or after freezing, or just use them as topping)
-Add 1/3 cup of toasted shredded coconut (you can do it before or after freezing, or just use them as topping)
-If you aren't afraid of calories, you can add some dairy-free chocolate shavings on top!

Mmmmm, delish, makes my beak water!

HorrorScope January 11-17

Weekly HorrorScope January 11 - January 17
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Now with 20% More Scorpio!

Aries (March 21-April 19). Think you're such a technological quiz? When why is it that you have not one, but FOUR "universal" remotes for your TV?

Taurus (April 20-May 20). Don't be afraid to spend a little money on yourself for basic needs. It's pretty sad when you match your socks based on the general faded color and location of holes. Follow this rule of thumb: If you can see you big toe, it's time to go.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). Owning a deck of tarot cards doesn't automatically make you a witch. It takes hard work, study, and practice. But if you're interested, I have this really nice flying broomstick for sale, just do me a favor and jot down your credit card numbers right here.....

Cancer (June 22-July 22). It's really time for you sort through your junk mail. Handy tip: You can help save the environment by not only recycling the 8.5 million Victoria's Secret Catalogues you get per week, but reusing them for your drinking games, as advised by the beautiful Brooke Marks:


Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Those overpriced Crest White Strips might make your teeth look brighter, but they sure as heck aren't helping the hideous gingivitis and black you are forming between your teeth. Floss - it's the law. Okay, maybe it's not, but it should be.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). That veal you ate last night would have grown up to be a leader amongst calves, a hero amongst all bovines, and a very handsome leather wallet.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). I don't care what you say about getting bitten by a "Beer Vampire;" the only reason you start insatiably craving booze when the sun goes down is because you're an alcoholic.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Sept. 21). Sorry to break it to you, but there's no such thing as low-calorie mayo. It's just straight up cancer-butter they're smearing on your sandwich. And because we accidentally left you out last week, we figured we would give you a bonus fortune and let you know that there is no such thing as: The Easter Bunny, The Tooth Fairy, Chicken-Fried-Chicken, The Boogie Man, Santa, Scientologists, and Your Mother's Love.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). You are going to have to lose the old student I.D. and save the embarrassment when someone denies you the discount. Come on, that picture is starting to look like aged papyrus...but now that you mention it, so do you!

Today's Birthday (January 10): You need to work on communicating better with your loved one. And that means, tell them what the hell you want for your birthday. Even the psychic penguin and chicken have no idea what the heck you want, so cut the crap and forward along your Amazon.com wishlist!

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). Many years ago, your mom accidentally ingested a bottle of nail polish remover thinking it was vodka and spent the next day puking her guts up...not from the acetone, but because she was pregnant with you at the time. And that explains your nervous twitch.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Find a penny, pick it up, all the day you'll have good luck. Just make sure you wash your hands - that lucky penny just went through a large badger's digestive system.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). You are lucky that no one has ever ripped off one of your many, many ideas. It makes a lot of sense, since after all, imitation is the most sincere form of flattery, and who the heck would imitate you?



Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day:Anti-bacteria soap may be good, but stop for a moment to ponder the surviving .01%. I believe they are waiting, watching, and planning a full-out attack. First stop? Your colon.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.

HorrorScope January 4-10

Weekly HorrorScope January 4 - January 10
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). Now tell me, do you really “need” 9 different e-mail addresses? Your taking up valuable space that Google could be using for porn.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). You will feel large amounts of stress and anger this week. Instead of using your spouse and children as punching bags, you should just take a trip to another state, heck, maybe even a nice remote lake somewhere. That way, the cops will have a harder time finding the bodies.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). You might think New Year’s Resolutions are silly, but would it be so bad to resolve to never eat anything preceded my “Mc”, i.e. McNuggets, McFlurries, McMuffins and of course, McJagger. All of these items are way too high in fat and alcohol.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). If you are considering reproducing, don’t. If you have already reproduced, please stop. Thank you for not overpopulating the world with your inbred offspring. Oh, wait…nobody told you about you mom and dad?

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Losing three pounds from the food poisoning you had last week does not count as a diet, so stop licking raw chicken (besides, it tickles and makes me feel kinda funny - Wic.)

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). If you want to get a better haircut, you might want to stop asking the girl at the salon if she provides “Happy Ending Specials.”

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Why, oh, why did you finish that last piece of Christmas candy? Your starting to look like the New Year's ball.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Sept. 21). You have keen attention to details. Also, you secretly like the smell of your own farts. That's gross.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Idea for a New Year’s Resolution: Try to stop being so much like…you. Maybe you could pick out a famous person that’s nicer than you to emulate, like Charles Manson or Jeffrey Dahmer.

Today's Birthday (Dec 28): Listen, just because it's your birthday doesn't mean that everyone can drop everything, get you a cake, sing songs to you, give you presents, and pay all this attention to you. Don't you realise that it is ALSO National Trivia Day and some people don't have time to celebrate both! Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to look up the gestation period of sea monkeys.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). You might be popular, but that’s only because you're a total whore.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). You might need to get some exercise. Since you are a lazy sack of crap, you already know that laughing burns calories. But screaming at the top of your lungs burns even more - why don't you try it?

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). Time for a trim! After all, you control your nose hairs - your nose hairs don't control you.


Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day:If you think nobody cares if you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of credit card payments.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.