HorrorScope Sept 28 - October 4

Weekly HorrorScope Sept 28 - October 4
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). When walking around a department store, someone will mistake you for a sales associate because of that stupid polo shirt you always wear. If they ask for directions, make sure you send them to the Plus-Sized-Fitness clothing department – there are too many fat loads these days.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). You might not remember this, but as a child, you ate lead paint. Actually, that’s probably why you don’t remember eating it in the first place.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). Be careful of a tendency to be overly critical towards others right now. We all know that babies look like shrunken, shriveled up old people, but you probably shouldn’t say that at your sister’s baby shower.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). Before you profess your ever-undying love to your current crush, make sure he/she doesn’t have a jealous significant other that will bash your face in like an overripe pumpkin.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Do you smell that? I think something is burning.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). The only true fortune someone has is the love of our friends and family. Sorry that you're broke.

Today's birthday (Sept 27). Congratulations - you will receive yet another ugly sweater from grandma. Grin and bare it for the old dame, would yah?

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). The shortest distance between two people is a smile. You can get there faster if you aren't wearing any clothing.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). Romance comes into your life this year in a very unusual sort of way; someone who has a crush on you will send you their ear in the mail. Hey, it worked for Van Gogh. Oh, wait, it didn't...

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Before you go around trying to find all the proper parts of your epic “Spartan” Halloween costume, perhaps you should grow some abs or at least consider shaving your chest. No one in Sparta ran around with a rug like yours.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). Holding yourself back from temptation for a while – you’re acting like a total slut. A crab is not just a type of shellfish.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Your Adam Sandler impersonation is not funny, nor is it accurate in any way. Please stop.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). You are what you eat. So, I guess that means you are the pubic hair of that waiter that hates you at Friday's.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Anything worth doing can be done. Anything that isn't worth doing should never be done. Therefore, how is it that Britney has two kids?

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.