HorrorScopes May 2-8

Weekly HorrorScopes May 2-8
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Today's Birthday (May 2). You will be desperately craving attention all week, so you’ll post numerous MySpace bulletins threatening to commit suicide due to your lousy, lonely birthday. For once, friends will actually respond to your pleas and offer you helpful tips on how to do the job right.

Aries (March 21-April 19). You should delete all the songs on your hard drive that remind you of the dysfunctional relations you had with your ex. Not only do you need to let go, but all those songs were illegal downloaded and some guys from recording industry are hot on your trail.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). Try not to shoot the messenger this week when you receive some bad news. It’s really not the pizza guy’s fault that the shop won’t honor your ripped, coffee-stained, expired 5% off coupon. Man, you are a cheapskate.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). Jealousy will get the best of you when you realize that all of your friends make more money than you, but are far more stupid. Rather than getting mad, you should just anonymously call their bosses to alert them of their office mischief, and then go ahead and apply for their jobs.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). Your crotch reeks of dog saliva and peanut butter today. Any reason for that?

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). You can learn a lot if you listen to people that are older and wiser than you. For instance, too many prunes can seriously give you diaper rash, Viagra has a higher market value than most hookers, and if you pretend you pass out, the nurse at the Assisted Living Center will usually stop beating you.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). You will roam the world searching for your one true love, but you’ll just end up kissing a lot of toads that give you genital warts.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Your parents found your stash and they’re keeping it all for themselves.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). Scorpio female: You will receive an interesting surprise this week when you find a picture of your ex-boyfriend in the arms of another man that you also used to date. You sure know how to convert the masses - at that rate, you should practice religion! Scorpio male: You should evaluate your proposals this week, namely the ones involving a diamond ring. Make sure it’s the right size; that means at least three carets with a solid platinum band. That's what you get for dating a high-maintenance girlfriend. She’s not really a blond, you know.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Your employer will switch your seating arrangements so you’re stuck next to the guy that hums the “Sesame Street Theme Song” incessantly. Oh, well, at least you don’t need to sit next to that person that smells like Parmesan cheese anymore. Oh, wait...That’s you.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). Don’t be afraid or too shy to show others how valuable you are. You can charge your clients at least $5 more for your famous “Happy Ending Specials”.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). You will feel like running away on a vacation, but your finances won’t allow such an indiscretion. Maybe, if you sit really close to the TV during LOST, you can pretend that you are on a lovely island surrounded by a big fat guy wearing Hawaiian trunks and bitchy doctors, just like a real vacation.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). You will experience difficulties with people you have to work with, but what do you expect at the graveyard shift at Denny’s?


Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Negotiations with a significant others usually lead to new and interesting developments that usually include unwanted pregnancies.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.