Friday, December 28, 2007

HorrorScopes December 28-January 4

Weekly HorrorScopes December 28 - January 4
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). You will run into a close friend of yours...returning that crappy gift you gave them for Christmas. Don't look so offended; you know you totally recycled that gift from one of your dead relatives.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). If you've been enjoying a little solitude over the past week, you might want to brush the corn chips off your pants and revisit society today. People might think you're dead, and you don't want to get their hopes up.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). Rather than make a list of New Year's Resolutions, perhaps you should save yourself time by making a list of good traits you posses. That'll save yah some writing, big time!

Cancer (June 22-July 22). If you guzzle that cheap champagne at the New Year's party, you're gonna wake up with an unwanted headache. His name is Bob.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Conversations with people in authority can be very important this week. Keep in mind, you should never refer to a police officer as a "Pig." They prefer the term "Po-po."

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). I don’t care what your mom says, you would NOT look good dressed up as the “New Year’s Baby”.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Congratulations! One of your parents gave out your social security number and bank information when a ruthless phone solicitor called who was claiming to be a debt collector. Finally; this is the excuse you’ve been looking for to finally put them in an old-folks home, guilt-free!

(Oct. 24-Nov. 21). This New Years, you will be forgotten and alone, even by your astrologer.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). You will feel like having some ethnic food this week. Shortly thereafter, you will feel like having a colon cleansing.

Today's Birthday (Dec 28): You share the same birthday as Denzel Washington - you two actually have a lot in common, except for the fact that he’s smooth and sassy and you’re just fat and gassy.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). You will be depressed when the love of your life does not kiss you on New Year's Eve. After all, it's almost physically impossible to kiss your own ass, so perhaps it would be easier if you just lick your own reflection in the mirror.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Instead of doing some much-needed work, you will be compelled to watch YouTube videos of fainting goats, Tesla coils, and dancing bananas. You know, if someone can sue McDonald’s for serving hot coffee, someone really should sue YouTube for time-burglaring.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). If you are seriously considering going out to Times Square in that mess of people and weather, then you deserve to have that wino "accidentally" piss on your leg.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day:A New Year's resolutions is something that goes in one Year and out the other.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.

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Friday, December 21, 2007

HorrorScope December 21-27

Weekly HorrorScopes Dec 21 - Dec 27
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). You might experience some holiday drama this year with some overzealous house guests. Make sure you keep around some non-alcoholic beer unless you want your best friend to end up sobbing on your new couch cushions.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). Wear the ugly knitted sweater, please. Do it for grandma…

Gemini (May 21-June 21). We know it's customary to fall asleep after watching the claymation reindeer movies and the "Christmas Story" marathons while your spouse angrily stomps around the house. Perhaps it's time to start a new family tradition before you are served a beautifully wrapped box of divorce papers. Oh, wait, there's a "Trading Spaces" marathon coming up right after dinner! Well, you didn't like your spouse anyway, right?

Cancer (June 22-July 22). Never combine mistletoe with too much eggnog. Less deadly mixtures have been made out of bleach and ammonia.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). So what if you've gained like 10, 15, or more likely, 20 pounds during this holiday season? You'll lose it all when you get that debilitating tapeworm from your great-aunt's cooking.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Let's face it, you have a lousy memory. So before you decide to recycle that silver-plated gravy boat you got as a present a few years ago, try avoid giving it back to the person that purchased it for you.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Your patented "Sexy Holiday Outfit" will look even better if someone thinner and younger was wearing it instead of you.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). You might be in the mood to "Deck the Halls" but must you deck the entire neighborhood with your 40-foot blow-up Santa, jolly blinking snowman that causes small Asian children seizures, reindeer with a missing leg, and combination nativity scene/singing Noah's ark display? Your neighbor can't sleep because of the glare radiating off your lawn.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). If you randomly hook up with some stranger at a holiday party, just be sure he's not your cousin. You don't want flipper-babies, do you?

Today's birthday (Dec 21). You will still continue to hear the famous excuse, "Oh, today's your birthday? Uhh...well, I got you a combined Christmas and Birthday gift.'ll have it in a few days." So, Happy Gypped-Out-of-a-Gift Day.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, you will probably spend most of the holidays in a county jail. But lucky for you, your cellmate managed to smuggle in mistletoe.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Being nice around the holidays isn't worth anything if you are a Grinch the rest of the year. Quit acting like such as ass every once in a while and maybe people will start inviting you to parties instead of sending you Christmas-themed snow globes from the dollar store.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). I seem to remember warning you about something in October and you just didn't listen. If you enjoy your health, for the love of Luna and all that is holy, PUT THE COOKIE DOWN!

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Santa is just a fake story people tell children in order to control their behavior. I am so sorry you had to find out this way. Maybe he would actually appear in read life if you splurged on some name-brand cookies instead of these Cookie-Chew-O things.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.

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Friday, December 14, 2007

HorrorScope December 14-20

Weekly HorrorScope December 14 - December 20
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). Maybe you should ask for some new pants for the holidays? I don't care what you think - the hole-in-the-crotch look was never really in style.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). You are a strong, hard worker with high standards and ethics. After all, most people just cruise through life just taking and screwing and partying and YouTube-ing and vomiting and screwing some more and drinking and eating and crapping and stealing and lying and backstabbing and vegetating and masturbating and cheating and burping and farting and TiVo-ing and NOT recycling at all..and you don't do any of that stuff! are one boring person.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). A business associate might try to get a rise out of you, but you will be seen as the stronger person if you turn the other cheek (and later put laxatives in his coffee).

Cancer (June 22-July 22). You will be swept into a corrupt world of online-Scrabble, where the stakes are high and the triple-word scores are fastidiously scrutinize by gaggle of letter-hungry necrosyrtes monachus.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). You could probably use a little more fiber in your diet.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). The stars have a little surprise in store for you in a just a few months - it's a boy! Male Virgos need not worry - it's not actually yours anyhow. Female Virgos - you have a lot of explaining to do, and remember, no one believes in that "Immaculate Conception" stuff anyhow. Oh, some people do? Well, that's pretty weird...

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). OMG WTF, why are you still reading this? Get up! You are in danger! Get out get out, now! Run for your life! RUUUUUN! YOU'RE GONNA DIIIIIIIIIIIIE! AHHHHH!!!!!

(Aw, did you actually get scared? Hee hee, Libras are so gullible.)

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). You have a great attention to detail. Most people don't shop around for the best deal while agonizing over what color and style of every object their purchase, and then sit up at night and wonder if they made the right decision - but you do! And of course, you are always willing to go through all the trash in your house to make sure that no one accidentally threw out a treasured token or piece of aluminum foil that could be reused. You are unique in your neurotic behavior, that's for sure.

Today's Birthday (Dec 14): You share the same birthday Michel de Nostredame, otherwise known as the late, great Nostradamus. That explains why you have felt the presence of your own psychic abilities throughout your entire life. But before you open your own fortune-telling business, you should probably know that no one cares what episode of the Simpsons they are going to broadcast next week or what song is going to come on the radio. Don't quit yer day job.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). We might have a crystal ball, but your partner certainly does not! If you want something special for the holidays, speak now or forever hold your Limited-Edition Thomas Kincade Miniature Ceramic Village Gift Set (with the bonus light-up street lamps kit!)

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). You will have a fulfilling life that is full of wonder and delight. Wait a minute...I think that's Johnny Depp's horoscope...I can't quite see yours in the crystal ball through all the fire and brimstone. Hmm, wonder what that means....

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Pipe down - the neighbors are starting to complain about all of your late-night "noises," if you know what I mean. Hey, where'd you get a goat at 3 am, anyhow?

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). You will probably be excited to talk to just about everyone you meet today. Too bad you don't have anything interesting to say.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Where there's a will, there's a greedy relative wielding a lawsuit.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.

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Friday, December 7, 2007

HorrorScopes December 7-13

Weekly HorrorScope December 7 - December 13
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). Sometimes, things are NOT better left unsaid. If you don’t tell your significant other about the broccoli in their teeth, they will find it later and blame you for all eternity.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). Buy an umbrella. There’s a shit-storm around the corner for you.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). You might feel a little bit uneasy about an upcoming review at work. No one is going to fire you for stealing Post-It Notes™, but they might object to the constant stream of profanity that leaves your mouth whenever you use the copy machine.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). The street you live on is going to be famous on TV! Too bad the news story will be entitled “Tragic Menorah Inferno Engulfs Neighborhood”.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). That bag of old crap you donated to Good Will contained toys full of lead paint. See, even things you do out of kindness end up causing destruction - I'm pretty sure you're cursed.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Don’t let the winter blues get you down – go out and socialize before you start looking like one of those bug-eyed, nocturnal Aye-Ayes (look it up - it's like looking in a mirror!)

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). If you don’t start paying your bills on time, the repo men come take your couch with your family still sitting on it*. (*Note: Repo men usually return repossessed family members, so don't get too excited).

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). Your partner/roommate will get freaked out when you talk in your sleep about the various heinous murders you have committed in the past. Don’t worry, I know you don’t remember committing any murders in “real life” (you were actually sleepwalking at the time.)

Today's birthday (Dec 7): On this day, the day of your birth, Cicero died. No, he is not a rapper. ::Sigh:: I hope someone buys you a clue and wraps it in a plastic bag so you'll suffocate trying to find it

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). You really need to work on your "technique". And I'm not talking about golf.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). In your past, you have pissed off an Earth sign and they’re still fuming. You might want to make amends before karma causes the bowels of the earth to swallow you, chew off your face, and spit you out somewhere off in the North Atlantic.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). If you keep leaving empty containers of food/liquid in the refrigerator, a Scorpio in your household might just murder you in your sleep.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). A close Sagittariusis very mad at you because you forgot their birthday. Save yourself a headache and use some kinda free online calendar thingie so people stop making voodoo dolls in your likeness.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day:Don’t have too many irons in the fire – it gets too many panties in a bunch. Learn how to relax.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.

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