HorrorScopes May 23-29

Weekly HorrorScopes May 23-29
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). No, you can't ease your financial woes by selling your half-eaten sandwich on E-bay.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). You will watch Watermelon Nights about 35 times before you start weeping because you aren't a cute, happy, singing watermelon...you're just shaped like one.

Today's Birthday (May 23): You share the same birthday as Drew Carey. Good, now there is at least one thing interesting about you.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). You will step in poo this week and kinda like it. It will become a new livelong fixation that will get you a prime spot on a Jerry Springer ripoff show.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). Nice gas guzzling vehicle you drive there, Al Gore. You know what they say about large carbon footprints...small carbon-based manhoods.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Your unusual sexual desires are not normal and you should seek help.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Your pack rat tendencies are becoming a nuisance to your friends and family. What the heck are you going to do with 75 Chinese food containers with no lids and four metric tons of twist ties?

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). That burger you ate last week was made out of people. If it's any consolation, they weren't really nice people. Well, except for one of them. She was really sweet and always recycled.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). Every time you Google yourself, a baby kitten dies.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Your body isn't full of "love bumps". Those are just rolls of hideous fat. And possibly tumors.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). Money matters might have you under stress this month. You can always just sell a kidney, or maybe one of your children. Or some of your childrens' kidneys!

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Since spring is in the air, now is a good time to refresh your wardrobe, and that even includes your undergarments. At the moment, your underwear has more tracks than your local railroad.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). It's time for a career change! Before you send out your generic resume to a zillion companies, try to make sure you take down that photo of you pretending to felicitate the Ronald McDonald statue that comes up on Google image searches.


Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: War does not determine who is right; it determines who is left.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.