HorrorScope September 7-13

Weekly HorrorScope Sept 7 - Sept 13

By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). You will stub your toe. Repeatedly. Get your vision checked.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). You will find a rare and valuable coin in your house. Also, someone you know will also play a mean trick on you and waste a lot of your time.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). You will not be attached by a swarm of angry midgets wearing go-go boots this week. Sucks for you, that sound like it might be a lot of fun.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). You will get the feeling that people are talking about you behind your back. Don’t worry about it - they totally are, and there is nothing you can do about it.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Today, your phone number was sold to a telemarketing company that will call you every Saturday at 8:30 a.m. for the next four years.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). A vague prediction you read on the internet sometime this week will be somewhat relative to your life.

Today's birthday (Sept 6). Happy Birthday! You might be fat, but at least you have a pretty face.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Today is a good day for romance. Restock your van with candy and stuffed animals.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). You’ll find out you are deathly allergic to a common household substance. I would stop huffing random chemicals you find in the basement.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Cruising the mall for Back-To-School savings isn’t going to help you with your looming deadline - stop procrastinating! Besides, you look like a moron with that JanSport bookbag. What are you, 10?

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). After what you did, you don't even deserve to know your fortune for the week. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Stop calling you ex and hanging up. It's creepy and they know it's you. Freakin' weirdo...

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). You should get that rash checked out.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: When the moon aligns with Uranus, you’re bound to have a shitty time.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.