HorrorScopes April 25-May 1st

Weekly HorrorScopes April 25-May 1st
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Today's Birthday (April 24). Happy Birthday to you and Barbra Streisand! I see that neither of you have received nose jobs for your birthday. That's too bad.

Aries (March 21-April 19). Your judgment will be clouded by a mysterious source. It’s the from a poison gas cloud in your basement. Tell your roommate to quit mixing chemicals down there.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). You will hurt yourself doing something really stupid, so you should fabricate an interesting story now so you don’t look like a moron when you come in to work next week with a neck brace. Perhaps you can say you were attacked by a bear while trying to save a group of Cub Scouts from a forest fire that was started by a freak marshmallow roasting accident? Or maybe you hurt yourself trying to push a blind old lady with a heart of gold out of the way of an oncoming locomotive that was engulfed in flames from the radioactive toasted forest fire marshmallows? Or better yet, you hurt yourself when you tried to steal the last bag of marshmallows out of a blind old lady’s shopping cart and a bunch of Cub Scouts saw the whole thing and beat you up in the parking lot? Oh, wait, that’s actually what’s going to happen. Man. You’re a tool.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). You might have a major falling out with one of your friends over a difference of opinion. If you take it “Step by Step” and keep “Hangin’ Tough”, you should be able to say “Please Don’t Go, Girl,” and she’ll say, “Let’s Try It Again”. In the end, there is no way to prove whether Jordan is actually cuter than Donnie anyhow since they both have “The Right Stuff”.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). This week you will have a moment of clarity. Your job sucks, you significant other hates you, everyone is using you, and there is nothing you can do about it. At least you’ll never be accused of being “over optimistic”.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Some people in your life might not be impressed with your ideas right now. It's because your ideas are typically stupid, but no one is brave enough to tell you because you also have some pretty severe anger management issues.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). You will receive some money very soon. You should donate some funds to a local charity before you blow it on something stupid like a Beer Pong Table or that stripper that pretends to care about your feelings.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). No, you’re not supposed to feel that way, ever. That’s totally not normal. Seek help.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). You should really take better care of your health. Cheetos might be orange, but that doesn’t mean that they actually contain any traces of Vitamin C.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Your socks are on backwards. What, you didn’t know socks had to go on a certain “way”? Man, your mamma didn’t raise you right!

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). You will feel like running away from the world and joining the circus. Unfortunately the circus if full of enough freaks, they really need some stable people to run the show, and the only thing you can run is your hideously deformed mouth.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Your house was built on an Indian burial ground, why you occasionally smell the delicious aromas of curried chicken and mango chutney through your halls. Oh, you thought I meant American Indian? No way, you’d probably be carved into some kind of ceremonial mask or gourd or something by now! You’re pretty safe as long as you try to keep steak and burgers out of your house. I mean, you don’t eat steak, do you? Oh, man, you’re in trouble….

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). A male Capricorn will lie to you and try to scam you out of a ton of money. It’s okay to smack him in the head with a rock, he deserves it. Also, don’t forget to floss.



Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Marriage is like a game of poker – you start with a pair and end up with a full house. This also requires a lot of bluffing.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.