HorrorScopes Sept 14 - Sept 20

Weekly HorrorScopes Sept 14 - Sept 20
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). Beware of vegetable medleys; You know E.coli has been going around.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). Always remember, C is for cookie and that is good enough for all of us.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). Behold the power of cheese.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). The beginning of this week starts out with a load of hoo-ha that will dampen your livelihood, but at least you might find a few bucks in your couch cushions if you dig hard enough.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Everyone has to play the role of the primo-weenie once in awhile. The quicker you embrace it the quicker it will pass. Be one with the weenie.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Buy a pigmy goat. Name it Whoohockers.

Today's birthday (Sept 14). Ho-oh, it's your berfday, get down, it's your berfday! Just get drunk and talk a load about all those sweet things you could've done with your life and try not to barf in your hair at the end of the night.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Go on vacation. When you come back, show everyone a bunch of boring pictures of you and a crew of people they don't know and marvel at how good they are at faking interest.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). Power bars… check. Juice machine…. Check. Gym membership… check. Cheeky spandex leopard print uni-tard… check. It's time to get those buns of bread dough back into buns of steel…or at least hardened stale bread.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). If you want to free up some time, experiment with a new walk, a swagger if you will, add a lil' bounce every few steps for extra giggles. You see, people leave you alone if they think you’re crazy.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). A veil of depression has floated over your head. It's because you suck.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). The Invention Submission Corporation is going to pitch a fit with your non-stop quest for wealth. Get your head out of the clouds and do some actual work for cash. Lazy Bum.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). You will feel sick...and tired...and bloated. You're either coming down with something or pregnant. Good luck with that.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Man who takes lady on camping trip have one intent.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.