Food and Its Lack of Pyramids

The [Jersey] Devil's Playthings:
Food and Its Lack of Pyramids
by J.D., Devil Extraordinaire

You know what? Things are too complicated. Specifically, food.


The other day, my wife, Sphinx, was saying I should eat more salad, because it has fruits and vegetables in it. And I said, there’s no fruit, it’s all vegetables: tomato, lettuce, Bacos, whatever. And then she said that tomatoes are technically a fruit. Do you believe that? Then how come fruit salads have melon and grapes and stuff, and not tomatoes then, huh?

It gets worse. Wic came home from school the other day, and he said they made him memorize something called the “Food Pyramid” and he started telling how fruits, vegetables, grain, and cheesedoodles all have special hierarchies. Now, I don't know much about royalty, but the only food I have heard of being a hierarchy is Crown Fried Chicken. Or maybe that Burger King guy. Man, that dude is creepy. So anyhow, I wanted to make sure Wic's teachers weren't feeding him B.S., so I asked Sphinx if the ancient Egyptians drew diagrams of food on their pyramids. She probably doesn't know either, because she just gave me the finger.

The way I see it, we shouldn’t be a Food Pyramid, we should have a Food Box. Let's start here with my diarrhea-rama:

Ya see, fruits and vegetables are all the same. I don’t know the difference, neither does anyone else. So let’s just eliminate vegetables. Celery and asparagus and ketchup and whatever can all be fruit. Also, most furniture is a fruit. You see, since wood comes from trees, which comes from the ground, so they are also fruit. And you know what, just to round everything out, I am going to say that dirt is also, unmistakably, fruit.

Wic says another category is bread and cereal. That’s stupid. Bread comes from grains, I know that much, and grain comes from the ground, just like marijuana, they're all obviously fruits. Just like Sphinx's friend Bigfoot. I think in the case of Bigfoot, he is classified as a fruit because he wears pink. Anything with pink in it should be a fruit. So, I guess women are all fruits as well.

Now here is when it gets a little more complicated:

So, obviously, for the other stuff: you have to kill it, so it’s an animal. Cows and pigs and deer and Rosie O'Donnel are all animals. So they’re the other side of the Box. That’s the part I eat too much of, and I know it. My Food Box tilts to the right, I guess, like this:


So, I showed this to Sphinx, and she just shook her head, and said, get this, “What about dairy?” so I said, “Easy! Eggs are animals. Cheese is fruit.” Right? Eggs, you murder for food. That's why they are so delicious. And cheese isn't alive, so it's fruit. Except for that maggot cheese Penny likes so much. That's technically classified "animal" because it wriggles.

The only point Sphinx made was with stuff like Mountain Dew and Mashmallow Peeps and aspirin. Now, according to the bottle, Mountain Dew has some orange juice in it, so that’s definately a fruit. As for Peeps, they're obviously animals because they are shaped like animals - the same theory applies to animal cookies, gummy bears, and most importantly, pancakes with smilie faces on them. The real tricky one is the asprin. I don't know what the hell that is, so I’ve gotta make the box bigger.

That’s the Chemical section. Since our society has advanced so much, we have exceeded Nature's Natural Food Box and added chemicals to help society. That's why we're all so smart now and live so long and stuff. So, if you don't wanna die, you need to make sure to get your daily intake of the Chemical box. And these days, you can get fruit that has been enriched with chemicals and stuff so you can kill two birds with one stone. And then you can eat the bird, too, but I wouldn't eat the stone, because then that would be too much fruit.

Okay, that’s all from me. Glad to be of help. Pass it on to you know, Moses or whoever built the Food Pyramid. Maybe they’ll change it.