HorrorScope August 31 - September 6

Weekly Horrorscope August 31 - September 6

By Emo Emu

Hi, Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are away at the moment, so I’m gonna fill in for them for this week’s HorrorScopes, even though they’re off somewhere having a good time while I am stuck here pecking at the keyboard alone in the dark.

Aries (March 21-April 19). Your idea of being different is dressing like everyone else. God, you are a conformist tool.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). You will be sad. You should put on as much mascara as possible, go to a concert, cry, and then get really mad that your mascara is running.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). The pretend girlfriend you made up in 6th grade will break up with you and you’ll write a sad song about it.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). Thinking about a haircut? You should use a dull razor blade and slice it in a jagged angle. If you don’t have a razor blade, your sister’s safety scissors will work, too.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). You will do a Google image search for sunsets and cry because they're so beautiful. You'll even when they're just broken jpegs...because they're like your heart.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Your friends will find out that your a poser when they realise your dark-rimmed glasses don't even have a prescription in them.

Today's birthday (August 30). Congratulations, you were born into a horrible depressing society full of woe. I really doubt some cake will fix that.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). You will go to a thrift store and buy a shirt that is several sizes too small for you so you look like you work out, even though you're actually accentuating the fact that you are scrawny, pale and poor.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). You will feel sad and alone this week. You should cut yourself.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). You will be full of angst because people don’t know how hard it is for teenagers to fit in with society. Cutting yourself will make it better.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). No one understands you. They’re all just assholes anyway. You should cut them. Or…yourself.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). You will get upset when you get hit in the face with a basketball during gym class so you’ll go cry in the shower and then you'll come out and realize that some jerk stole all your clothes and you’ll have to walk all the way to the Principal’s office wet and naked while Alice Shelly walks right by you and laughs and then the Principal will tell you that you never had any clothes to begin you because you have feathers and he'll ask what you did with them and you remember that you sometimes subconsciously plucked all your feathers when you are frustrated so in order to cover your naughty bits they’ll make you wear these weird One-Size-Fits-All pants that smell like Doritos and you’ll walk uncomfortably to lunch where your worst enemy will flick peas at you but at least its better than the time they threw the tacos at you and hot sauce got in your eye and everyone laughed at you because you always cry but that time it was really just the hot sauce so you had to go to the nurse and miss Algebra class and your teacher failed you for missing the midterm because she’s a conformist bitch anyway that’s keeping you down because she doesn’t understand how hard it is for scene kids to fit in this crazy violent society so you tell everyone you're gonna bust some jaws and they suspend you for being violent and you'd write a song about it but your arms are too short to reach the guitar strings.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). I...I don't think I can handle telling your future. It just doesn't feel right to me. Nothing feels right to me. Do you want to go to the Rites of Spring concert with me?

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Proverbs are cliche and mean nothing compared to the horrors that are really out there. This monkey talks in riddles, not of what's really important, and that is why won't they let me upload YouTube videos that are longer than 17 minutes, I mean, I have a lot to say and the world just keeps sensoring me.

Warning: The Emo Emu is a really sad cartoon character who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, his horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only. Don't actually cut yourself.

Wiccan Chicken MySpace Glitter Graphic

Just letting you all know that:

Copy + Paste script to share with a special friend!

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Horrorscope August 24-30

Weekly Horrorscope August 24 - August 30
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). Calm your butt down...literally. If you don't relax soon, you're gonna get hemorrhoids - and the cute clerk at the pharmacy will NEVER date you if you constantly tote the Preparation H!

Taurus (April 20-May 20). You will feel particularly artistic this week. Try not to do anything like paint your house Luscious Lilac or design yourself a "cool" tattoo to cover your entire forearm - you'll regret it in the morning.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). Don't double-cross anyone this week, not even a little. Your gain today will cost you major karma points in the future...let's just say it involves a horde of field mice nesting in your engine block, underwear drawer, or both.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). A long lost friend or family member will contact you this week. Don't get excited - they just want to borrow money.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Remember to floss. Your breath kinda smells like stale cabbage.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Quit goofing around on the internet and clean your room, no one wants to see your dirty socks and crap-collection.

Today's birthday (August 23). Happy Birthday! On this day in 1963, The Beatles released the hit song "She Loves You". Too bad "she" doesn't love you.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Some people have described your laugh as a hyena scratching rusty nails against a chalkboard. Record yourself laughing and listen to yourself. The sound alone will make you into a somber person and solve this dilemma.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). When was the last time you took a vacation? You're starting to resemble a used tampon. (No, that is not a good thing.)

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). You wanna know why none of your relationships work out? You snore horribly. Try sleeping on your side next time you actually want a second date.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). You should consider getting a new job. There are lucrative career opportunities right next door at your local McDonalds!

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Your use of the internet has ruined your ability to speak. If you tell someone that you are ROFLMAO one more time, you will DAHPD (Die A Horrible Painful Death.)

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). That cigarette butt you flicked out the window a few weeks ago landed a little old man in the hospital with third degree burns on his cornea. You are officially a jerk. Quit before you do even more destruction.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Some say, "A man who fishes in another man's well catches crab." I say, since when do crabs live in wells? "The man" can keep it. I would rather drink shitty city water than crabby well water.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.

Horrorscope August 17-23

Weekly Horrorscope August 17 - August 23

By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). Next time you go shopping, you should stop and think about what your future kids are going to say when they see pictures of you wearing your “stylish” outfits today. You already kinda look like a moron, so it’s not gonna get any better.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). A new, unexpected door will open for you this week. Don't let it hit you in the ass on the way out.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). Every morning, your neighbor can hear you singing in the shower. Do everyone a favor and put a sock in it, would yah?

Cancer (June 22-July 22). A useless piece of trivia that you pick up from a Snapple cap or bumper sticker will help you answer a Jeopardy question six months from now. Too bad no one will be around that day to witness your “genius”.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). You will be short on cash this week. You might want to consider selling some of the crap you have around the house on Ebay rather than undergo your usual couch cushion rummaging (although if you check through all your old pants’ pockets, you might come across a buck or two).

Today's birthday (August 16). Happy Birthday! When someone gives you a few birthday punches today, you should fall to the ground and scream, “OH, THE PAAAAIN! I have brittle bone syndrome, you ass!” Not only will it be REALLY funny, but it will increase Osteogenesis imperfecta awareness. Way to spread the knowledge, kiddo.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). You will make a friend this week that will eventually make you a part of their wedding party. If you want to avoid the year-long pain, agony, and wallet strain of their wedding, avoid this person until they get back from their overpriced honeymoon.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). You will discover a new talent this week – don’t bother showing anyone, it’s not all that impressive.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). If you smoke, you should quit – you’re gonna get lung cancer. If you’re a non-smoker, you’re uncool, but at least you’ll live to be a crazy, lonely 100-year old person – but hey, smelling like cat pee is slightly better than smelling like cigarettes.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). You might not remember what you did the night of your best friends’ wedding, but everybody else does and is too afraid to tell you.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). If you hate your ex so much, then why do you continually keep checking their MySpace and Facebook? Yes, their significant other IS better-looking than you – get over it!

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). You owe approximately $3,250 to your local library for the copy of “The Celery Stalks at Midnight” that you picked up in 3rd grade. If I was you, I would skip town.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). Stop leaving the car running while you wait for the teller to count your money at the drive-thru bank. You’re killing baby kittens.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: People that do not believe in evolution accidentally put Monkey into Presidential office.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.

Recipe: Vegan "Chicken" Masala Curry

I’ve noticed that people really like my cooking as long as I don’t tell them that it’s made with “tofu.” Here’s what I don’t get – what’s more disgusting – a substance derived from soybeans, or eating the grilled portion of a dead animal’s flesh? Well, anyway, I have heard that this recipe tastes “just like the real thing,” which is a little disturbing, because that means it tastes just like me. Why does EVERYTHING have to taste “just like” me?

So, without further adieu, here is the

Wiccan Chicken's Masala Curry

Serves 4
Prep time: 20 minutes
Cook time: 25 minutes
INGREDIENTS
1 pack of “Chicken Free Chicken”, 2" cubed*
1 onion, diced
1 tsp. garlic, crushed
1 tsp. ginger, crushed
1-2 TBS. Chicken Masala Spice**
1/2 cup tomato, finely chopped
1 tsp cilantro, chopped
1 TBS. olive oil
1-cup water

PREPARATION
Sauté onions, garlic and ginger in oil until lightly browned. Add Masala spice and sauté 2 minutes. Add tomatoes. Cook 10 minutes. Add Chicken Free Chicken and cook an additional 5 minutes. Add water as necessary. Serve over rice (I prefer brown but white is good, too).

* You can usually find “Chicken Free Chicken” at the health food store. I have also used chicken-textured tofu from the refrigerated tofu section of our local Asian market.)

** Chicken masala spice is available at your local Indian grocery store/in the “Ethnic Foods” isle at the grocery store. This is also sometimes known as garam masala. These are the ingredients if you want to make it yourself:

4 oz. coriander seeds
1 oz. cumin seeds
1 oz. black pepper
½ oz. black cumin seeds (shahjeera)
½ oz. dry ginger
¼ oz. black cardamoms and cloves
¼ oz. cinnamon
¼ oz. bay leaves

1. Dry roast all the ingredients (except dry ginger) very lightly.
2. Cool and dry grind to a powder along with the dry ginger (I use a pepper grinder.)
3. Store in an air tight bottle.

Penny for Your Thoughts: Why Americans Are Fat Loads

Penny for Your Thoughts:

"Why Americans Are Fat Loads"

By Pagan "Penny" Penguin

08/14/07

I’m a full-figured penguin.

So, in an effort to keep my bird-ish figure, I walked to the grocery store the other day instead of driving. Al Gore might even say I was helping to “eliminate my carbon footprint”, but really, I was trying to eliminate the three pieces of cheesecake I had after dinner the other night. So, I was walking along, minding my business, and some moron in an SUV the size of Arkansas peeled up next to me.

“Hey, chickie baby. Uh, do you, like, need a RIDE or something?”

“Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, no, I’m okay.”

He looked at me as if I was some kind of unfortunate derelict because I was actually WALKING instead of driving some gas-guzzling-overcompensation-for-manhood.

“Well, suit yourself, I was just trying to help you out!”

He shook his head in disgust as he pulled out into traffic and proceeded to cut off the little old lady in a Honda so he could get home 4 seconds sooner to go beat his wife and children.

Now, I gotta tell you, I’m certainly not Cindy Crawford, but at least three more cars honked at me on the way to the store. Somehow, this nice summer walk turned into the “Walk of Shame.” And that’s when came with why we Americans are such fat loads…

It’s the suburbs!

Tell me if this sounds familiar: You move out of the city and into the suburbs in hopes to find “The American Dream.” You can’t help but notice that all the sidewalks in shambles and everyone drives like they've never seen a pedestrian before. You love your family, so you buy everyone of driving age a car to ensure their safety. And in order to afford the loan payment, gas, and insurance on your family’s’ cars, you take on a nice, steady job. But unlike many countries Europe where most employers enforce a 35-hour maximum workweek and five weeks vacation, you have to work 50 to 60 hours a week so your boss doesn’t think you’re a “slacker” and use your 2 weeks vacation to catch up on chores around the house so your spouse doesn’t think you’re lazy.

After your normal grueling workweek, you don’t even want to think about making dinner, but going to restaurants is noisy and expensive, so on the way home, you pass the “Golden Arches.” You can’t resist the convenience and value, and what kid would turn down a “Happy Meal”? So, your family thinks you’re a hero and you sit down together in front of the TV and eat your double cheeseburgers. You’re all too tired to talk so you zone out while watching reality TV and wonder why everyone’s life is better than yours,

At night, you feel too sluggish from the chemicals in the fast food to make love to your spouse. Your spouse feels slighted so you fight about something completely unrelated. You go to bed angry and with indigestion.

The next day, you don’t look so good, so your boss tells you to go see your doctor and make sure everything is in order. You tell your doctor that you feel depressed and you don’t know why, so he gives you a heavy dose of anti-depressants and sleep aids, which make you feel good for a while, but make you gain even more weight. Your spouse is no longer attracted to you but you barely notice because you’re so zonked on medication.

You try to put on your favorite pair of pants one morning and they don’t fit. Your spouse nags you about your weight and appearance. You get more depressed, and have to work longer hours to avoid your family and afford the anti-depressants that your pathetic company insurance will barely cover.

On your drive home from a late night at the office, you look out the window and see a pedestrian walking up the street, on the way to the grocery store with a little “granny cart.” As much as you hate your life, your stop to think, “Well, at least I’m not a poor pathetic loser like that! I can at least provide cars for my family!” You honk at them to see if you can make them jump, and laugh as you pull back into the McDonald’s Drive-Thru.

Congratulations. You are a fat load.

So, next time you see a penguin walking up the street, don't feel sorry for it - they just don't want to be a stereotypical American.

This has been a campaign for sidewalk awarness. There are sidewalks in the suburbs - use them or lose them. If your sidewalks suck, write to your mayor. You pay taxes for a reason, fatass.

Horrorscope August 10-16

Weekly Horrorscope August 2 - August 9

By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). Your dog will continually crap on your couch if you continually make him wear fruity sweaters and Halloween costumes. Sure, he might lick his own balls, but dogs have dignity too (besides, you know you'd lick yourself if you could.)

Taurus (April 20-May 20). You will feel extremely ovewhelmed this week. Try relieving some tensioln with relaxing warm bath or perhaps bulletwound to the temple.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). Your "green" investment in a new hybrid car have already been negated by the 10,000 gallons of water you've wasted in your lifetime by brushing your teeth with the sink running.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). You should pick a better password than your first name, last initial and/or birthday before some hacker order $15,000 worth of beer, extra large pizzas and Astroglide on your credit card. And you won't even get invited to that party!

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). The fried green beans from Friday's are no longer considered a vegetable, so stop thinking they're diet food.

Today's birthday (August 9). Happy Birthday! You will have that retarded "Lipgloss Song" stuck in your head all day...and you're waaaaay to old to be singing that, buddy.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). You should really make amends with that friend that you had a fight with a few months ago; if you do, you'll get to go to go to their birthday party, where you'll makeout with some drunk person. (See also: Aries)

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). You might want to update your resume before you apply for your next job. And you should really consider removing "1992 Spelling Bee Champion" as a relevant award.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). Yes, that shirt does make you look fat.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). You will unleash a multitude of viruses on your computer when mistakenly type "www.yanoo.com." Why do you still have Nortons? You know it doesn't work!

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). A week after you book tickets for "Spiderman: The Musical," you will come out of the closet. No one will be surprised.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). The next time you use up an entire roll of toilet paper covering a public toilet seat, remember on average, your keyboard has 50 times more bacteria than the nastiest gas station rest stop toilet. Enjoy your sandwich while you're reading this, Aquarius!

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). You will feel great satisfaction when you stumble upon a former high school bully on MySpace has 50 pounds. Don't get too excited - he still makes more money than you.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: If you run behind a car, you might get exhausted.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.

Vegan Sloppy Joe Recipe

Sloppy Janes

Much better than the Sloppy Joe's that the lunchlady tries to slap on your tray!

1/2 pound tempeh
1 chopped onion
1 chopped green pepper
2 cloves garlic
2 cups vegan tomato sauce
1 or 2 tsp chili powder
1/2 tsp salt
buns (I like the 100% whole wheat kind)

Steam the tempeh for 20 minutes and cut into 1/4 inch cubes

Simmer the onion, green pepper and garlic in 1/4 cup water until the vegetables are soft. Stir in the tempeh, sauce, chili powder, and salt and simmer until heated through.

Warm up the buns in a toaster oven, just for a minute or two. Scoop & serve with a side of baby carrots for a yummy lunch!

Recipe courtesy of GoToHealth.com

Weekly Horrorscope August 2 - August 9

Weekly Horrorscope August 2 - August 9

By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). You will be thrilled when you find a shiny quarter on the street. But beware: That quarter literally just rolled out of some guy's tighty whities. (He keeps spare change "down there" because the metal keeps him cool in the summer. And besides, it helps accentuate his manliness.)

Taurus (April 20-May 20). Ask three questions to yourself. You got 'em? Okay, good. The answers are: 1.) No 2.) Maybe and 3.) Who Are You Kidding?

Gemini (May 21-June 21). You have extreme emotional ups and downs this week. It's nothing astrological - you're just crazy.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). You will like a weight has been lifted off your chest when you donate some of your unused belongings to the Salvation Army. And if you get rid of that god-awful pair of pants from the 70's, it will look like a weight has been lifted off your ass, too.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). You might not remember this, but you got drunk and peed on your neighbor's lawn ornaments a few years ago. You don't have to be psychic to know that; those photos are already all over the internet. You own your neighbor a Gnome.

Today's birthday (August 2). Happy Birthday! Your Sunday paper had a coupon for $7 off L'Oreal-Stay-Away-Gray hair dye this week. You should really check the recycling for that.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Regardless of what your frat brother told you, the four basic food groups are NOT beer, pizza, ramen, and Mountain Dew. Well...at least Mountain Dew has trace amounts of Vitamin C.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Get a haircut, Hippie.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). The love of your life will come to a starting conclusion this week - she's dating you.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Control your road rage. Remember: You aren't going to get there any faster if you have to find a place to dump the body.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). I hate to be the one to tell you this...You were adopted. But your adopted family didn't want you, so they sent you back to your normal parents.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Make love, not Warcraft. If you don't put the controller down, your girlfriend is gonna dump you.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). Your company just got a new Internet tracking program, so you should probably stop shopping for new golf clubs and mail-order brides on company time.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Even the worst people have a culture. Never forget bacteria.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.