HorrorScope August 31 - September 6

Weekly Horrorscope August 31 - September 6

By Emo Emu

Hi, Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are away at the moment, so I’m gonna fill in for them for this week’s HorrorScopes, even though they’re off somewhere having a good time while I am stuck here pecking at the keyboard alone in the dark.

Aries (March 21-April 19). Your idea of being different is dressing like everyone else. God, you are a conformist tool.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). You will be sad. You should put on as much mascara as possible, go to a concert, cry, and then get really mad that your mascara is running.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). The pretend girlfriend you made up in 6th grade will break up with you and you’ll write a sad song about it.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). Thinking about a haircut? You should use a dull razor blade and slice it in a jagged angle. If you don’t have a razor blade, your sister’s safety scissors will work, too.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). You will do a Google image search for sunsets and cry because they're so beautiful. You'll even when they're just broken jpegs...because they're like your heart.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Your friends will find out that your a poser when they realise your dark-rimmed glasses don't even have a prescription in them.

Today's birthday (August 30). Congratulations, you were born into a horrible depressing society full of woe. I really doubt some cake will fix that.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). You will go to a thrift store and buy a shirt that is several sizes too small for you so you look like you work out, even though you're actually accentuating the fact that you are scrawny, pale and poor.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). You will feel sad and alone this week. You should cut yourself.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). You will be full of angst because people don’t know how hard it is for teenagers to fit in with society. Cutting yourself will make it better.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). No one understands you. They’re all just assholes anyway. You should cut them. Or…yourself.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). You will get upset when you get hit in the face with a basketball during gym class so you’ll go cry in the shower and then you'll come out and realize that some jerk stole all your clothes and you’ll have to walk all the way to the Principal’s office wet and naked while Alice Shelly walks right by you and laughs and then the Principal will tell you that you never had any clothes to begin you because you have feathers and he'll ask what you did with them and you remember that you sometimes subconsciously plucked all your feathers when you are frustrated so in order to cover your naughty bits they’ll make you wear these weird One-Size-Fits-All pants that smell like Doritos and you’ll walk uncomfortably to lunch where your worst enemy will flick peas at you but at least its better than the time they threw the tacos at you and hot sauce got in your eye and everyone laughed at you because you always cry but that time it was really just the hot sauce so you had to go to the nurse and miss Algebra class and your teacher failed you for missing the midterm because she’s a conformist bitch anyway that’s keeping you down because she doesn’t understand how hard it is for scene kids to fit in this crazy violent society so you tell everyone you're gonna bust some jaws and they suspend you for being violent and you'd write a song about it but your arms are too short to reach the guitar strings.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). I...I don't think I can handle telling your future. It just doesn't feel right to me. Nothing feels right to me. Do you want to go to the Rites of Spring concert with me?

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Proverbs are cliche and mean nothing compared to the horrors that are really out there. This monkey talks in riddles, not of what's really important, and that is why won't they let me upload YouTube videos that are longer than 17 minutes, I mean, I have a lot to say and the world just keeps sensoring me.

Warning: The Emo Emu is a really sad cartoon character who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, his horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only. Don't actually cut yourself.