Weekly Horrorscope August 2 - August 9

By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). Your dog will continually crap on your couch if you continually make him wear fruity sweaters and Halloween costumes. Sure, he might lick his own balls, but dogs have dignity too (besides, you know you'd lick yourself if you could.)

Taurus (April 20-May 20). You will feel extremely ovewhelmed this week. Try relieving some tensioln with relaxing warm bath or perhaps bulletwound to the temple.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). Your "green" investment in a new hybrid car have already been negated by the 10,000 gallons of water you've wasted in your lifetime by brushing your teeth with the sink running.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). You should pick a better password than your first name, last initial and/or birthday before some hacker order $15,000 worth of beer, extra large pizzas and Astroglide on your credit card. And you won't even get invited to that party!

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). The fried green beans from Friday's are no longer considered a vegetable, so stop thinking they're diet food.

Today's birthday (August 9). Happy Birthday! You will have that retarded "Lipgloss Song" stuck in your head all day...and you're waaaaay to old to be singing that, buddy.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). You should really make amends with that friend that you had a fight with a few months ago; if you do, you'll get to go to go to their birthday party, where you'll makeout with some drunk person. (See also: Aries)

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). You might want to update your resume before you apply for your next job. And you should really consider removing "1992 Spelling Bee Champion" as a relevant award.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). Yes, that shirt does make you look fat.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). You will unleash a multitude of viruses on your computer when mistakenly type "www.yanoo.com." Why do you still have Nortons? You know it doesn't work!

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). A week after you book tickets for "Spiderman: The Musical," you will come out of the closet. No one will be surprised.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). The next time you use up an entire roll of toilet paper covering a public toilet seat, remember on average, your keyboard has 50 times more bacteria than the nastiest gas station rest stop toilet. Enjoy your sandwich while you're reading this, Aquarius!

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). You will feel great satisfaction when you stumble upon a former high school bully on MySpace has 50 pounds. Don't get too excited - he still makes more money than you.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: If you run behind a car, you might get exhausted.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.