Horrorscope August 24-30

Weekly Horrorscope August 24 - August 30
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). Calm your butt down...literally. If you don't relax soon, you're gonna get hemorrhoids - and the cute clerk at the pharmacy will NEVER date you if you constantly tote the Preparation H!

Taurus (April 20-May 20). You will feel particularly artistic this week. Try not to do anything like paint your house Luscious Lilac or design yourself a "cool" tattoo to cover your entire forearm - you'll regret it in the morning.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). Don't double-cross anyone this week, not even a little. Your gain today will cost you major karma points in the future...let's just say it involves a horde of field mice nesting in your engine block, underwear drawer, or both.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). A long lost friend or family member will contact you this week. Don't get excited - they just want to borrow money.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Remember to floss. Your breath kinda smells like stale cabbage.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Quit goofing around on the internet and clean your room, no one wants to see your dirty socks and crap-collection.

Today's birthday (August 23). Happy Birthday! On this day in 1963, The Beatles released the hit song "She Loves You". Too bad "she" doesn't love you.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Some people have described your laugh as a hyena scratching rusty nails against a chalkboard. Record yourself laughing and listen to yourself. The sound alone will make you into a somber person and solve this dilemma.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). When was the last time you took a vacation? You're starting to resemble a used tampon. (No, that is not a good thing.)

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). You wanna know why none of your relationships work out? You snore horribly. Try sleeping on your side next time you actually want a second date.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). You should consider getting a new job. There are lucrative career opportunities right next door at your local McDonalds!

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Your use of the internet has ruined your ability to speak. If you tell someone that you are ROFLMAO one more time, you will DAHPD (Die A Horrible Painful Death.)

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). That cigarette butt you flicked out the window a few weeks ago landed a little old man in the hospital with third degree burns on his cornea. You are officially a jerk. Quit before you do even more destruction.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Some say, "A man who fishes in another man's well catches crab." I say, since when do crabs live in wells? "The man" can keep it. I would rather drink shitty city water than crabby well water.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.