Weekly Horrorscope August 17 - August 23

By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). Next time you go shopping, you should stop and think about what your future kids are going to say when they see pictures of you wearing your “stylish” outfits today. You already kinda look like a moron, so it’s not gonna get any better.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). A new, unexpected door will open for you this week. Don't let it hit you in the ass on the way out.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). Every morning, your neighbor can hear you singing in the shower. Do everyone a favor and put a sock in it, would yah?

Cancer (June 22-July 22). A useless piece of trivia that you pick up from a Snapple cap or bumper sticker will help you answer a Jeopardy question six months from now. Too bad no one will be around that day to witness your “genius”.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). You will be short on cash this week. You might want to consider selling some of the crap you have around the house on Ebay rather than undergo your usual couch cushion rummaging (although if you check through all your old pants’ pockets, you might come across a buck or two).

Today's birthday (August 16). Happy Birthday! When someone gives you a few birthday punches today, you should fall to the ground and scream, “OH, THE PAAAAIN! I have brittle bone syndrome, you ass!” Not only will it be REALLY funny, but it will increase Osteogenesis imperfecta awareness. Way to spread the knowledge, kiddo.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). You will make a friend this week that will eventually make you a part of their wedding party. If you want to avoid the year-long pain, agony, and wallet strain of their wedding, avoid this person until they get back from their overpriced honeymoon.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). You will discover a new talent this week – don’t bother showing anyone, it’s not all that impressive.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). If you smoke, you should quit – you’re gonna get lung cancer. If you’re a non-smoker, you’re uncool, but at least you’ll live to be a crazy, lonely 100-year old person – but hey, smelling like cat pee is slightly better than smelling like cigarettes.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). You might not remember what you did the night of your best friends’ wedding, but everybody else does and is too afraid to tell you.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). If you hate your ex so much, then why do you continually keep checking their MySpace and Facebook? Yes, their significant other IS better-looking than you – get over it!

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). You owe approximately $3,250 to your local library for the copy of “The Celery Stalks at Midnight” that you picked up in 3rd grade. If I was you, I would skip town.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). Stop leaving the car running while you wait for the teller to count your money at the drive-thru bank. You’re killing baby kittens.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: People that do not believe in evolution accidentally put Monkey into Presidential office.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.