Penny for Your Thoughts: Why Americans Are Fat Loads

Penny for Your Thoughts:

"Why Americans Are Fat Loads"

By Pagan "Penny" Penguin

08/14/07

I’m a full-figured penguin.

So, in an effort to keep my bird-ish figure, I walked to the grocery store the other day instead of driving. Al Gore might even say I was helping to “eliminate my carbon footprint”, but really, I was trying to eliminate the three pieces of cheesecake I had after dinner the other night. So, I was walking along, minding my business, and some moron in an SUV the size of Arkansas peeled up next to me.

“Hey, chickie baby. Uh, do you, like, need a RIDE or something?”

“Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, no, I’m okay.”

He looked at me as if I was some kind of unfortunate derelict because I was actually WALKING instead of driving some gas-guzzling-overcompensation-for-manhood.

“Well, suit yourself, I was just trying to help you out!”

He shook his head in disgust as he pulled out into traffic and proceeded to cut off the little old lady in a Honda so he could get home 4 seconds sooner to go beat his wife and children.

Now, I gotta tell you, I’m certainly not Cindy Crawford, but at least three more cars honked at me on the way to the store. Somehow, this nice summer walk turned into the “Walk of Shame.” And that’s when came with why we Americans are such fat loads…

It’s the suburbs!

Tell me if this sounds familiar: You move out of the city and into the suburbs in hopes to find “The American Dream.” You can’t help but notice that all the sidewalks in shambles and everyone drives like they've never seen a pedestrian before. You love your family, so you buy everyone of driving age a car to ensure their safety. And in order to afford the loan payment, gas, and insurance on your family’s’ cars, you take on a nice, steady job. But unlike many countries Europe where most employers enforce a 35-hour maximum workweek and five weeks vacation, you have to work 50 to 60 hours a week so your boss doesn’t think you’re a “slacker” and use your 2 weeks vacation to catch up on chores around the house so your spouse doesn’t think you’re lazy.

After your normal grueling workweek, you don’t even want to think about making dinner, but going to restaurants is noisy and expensive, so on the way home, you pass the “Golden Arches.” You can’t resist the convenience and value, and what kid would turn down a “Happy Meal”? So, your family thinks you’re a hero and you sit down together in front of the TV and eat your double cheeseburgers. You’re all too tired to talk so you zone out while watching reality TV and wonder why everyone’s life is better than yours,

At night, you feel too sluggish from the chemicals in the fast food to make love to your spouse. Your spouse feels slighted so you fight about something completely unrelated. You go to bed angry and with indigestion.

The next day, you don’t look so good, so your boss tells you to go see your doctor and make sure everything is in order. You tell your doctor that you feel depressed and you don’t know why, so he gives you a heavy dose of anti-depressants and sleep aids, which make you feel good for a while, but make you gain even more weight. Your spouse is no longer attracted to you but you barely notice because you’re so zonked on medication.

You try to put on your favorite pair of pants one morning and they don’t fit. Your spouse nags you about your weight and appearance. You get more depressed, and have to work longer hours to avoid your family and afford the anti-depressants that your pathetic company insurance will barely cover.

On your drive home from a late night at the office, you look out the window and see a pedestrian walking up the street, on the way to the grocery store with a little “granny cart.” As much as you hate your life, your stop to think, “Well, at least I’m not a poor pathetic loser like that! I can at least provide cars for my family!” You honk at them to see if you can make them jump, and laugh as you pull back into the McDonald’s Drive-Thru.

Congratulations. You are a fat load.

So, next time you see a penguin walking up the street, don't feel sorry for it - they just don't want to be a stereotypical American.

This has been a campaign for sidewalk awarness. There are sidewalks in the suburbs - use them or lose them. If your sidewalks suck, write to your mayor. You pay taxes for a reason, fatass.