Weekly Horrorscope August 2 - August 9

Weekly Horrorscope August 2 - August 9

By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). You will be thrilled when you find a shiny quarter on the street. But beware: That quarter literally just rolled out of some guy's tighty whities. (He keeps spare change "down there" because the metal keeps him cool in the summer. And besides, it helps accentuate his manliness.)

Taurus (April 20-May 20). Ask three questions to yourself. You got 'em? Okay, good. The answers are: 1.) No 2.) Maybe and 3.) Who Are You Kidding?

Gemini (May 21-June 21). You have extreme emotional ups and downs this week. It's nothing astrological - you're just crazy.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). You will like a weight has been lifted off your chest when you donate some of your unused belongings to the Salvation Army. And if you get rid of that god-awful pair of pants from the 70's, it will look like a weight has been lifted off your ass, too.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). You might not remember this, but you got drunk and peed on your neighbor's lawn ornaments a few years ago. You don't have to be psychic to know that; those photos are already all over the internet. You own your neighbor a Gnome.

Today's birthday (August 2). Happy Birthday! Your Sunday paper had a coupon for $7 off L'Oreal-Stay-Away-Gray hair dye this week. You should really check the recycling for that.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Regardless of what your frat brother told you, the four basic food groups are NOT beer, pizza, ramen, and Mountain Dew. Well...at least Mountain Dew has trace amounts of Vitamin C.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Get a haircut, Hippie.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). The love of your life will come to a starting conclusion this week - she's dating you.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Control your road rage. Remember: You aren't going to get there any faster if you have to find a place to dump the body.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). I hate to be the one to tell you this...You were adopted. But your adopted family didn't want you, so they sent you back to your normal parents.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Make love, not Warcraft. If you don't put the controller down, your girlfriend is gonna dump you.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). Your company just got a new Internet tracking program, so you should probably stop shopping for new golf clubs and mail-order brides on company time.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Even the worst people have a culture. Never forget bacteria.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.