HorrorScope Nov 30 - December 6

Weekly HorrorScopes Nov 30th - December 6th
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). You might want to consider some minor home renovations before you have actual house guests this holiday season. All your carpeting kinda smells like stale cigarettes and old people.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). Yes, it's December, already! Maye you would have been more productive in November if you didn't spend all your time catching up on episodes of "Ugly Betty" and watching your Lean Cuisine spin around in the microwave.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). You may find yourself questioning your sanity. The answer to that question is simple - just ask the little elf that lives in your sock drawer.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). Someone close to you is in need of support, and someone even closer is in need of a shower. Before you try to help anyone out, make sure you deal with your own hygiene issues.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Be careful of that sweet tooth of yours. Not only are you getting a spare tire, but all those hard candies are going to leave you needing a painful, expensive root canal. Did I mention that you have grown a tolerance to anesthesia? Man, that's really gonna suck in a few months when you....well, you'll find out about that soon enough.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Have you ever thought about electrolysis? Or at least...waxing?

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). This world is full of crazy maniacs, so make sure you always lock your doors and windows. At least with you safely locked inside, there would be one less crazy maniac on the street.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). Don't you realize that that porny-looking MySpace girl is just trying to phish your password? No one that good looking would ever actually send you a message. It's not that you're ugly, it's just that that all the glitter graphics on your page make you look kinda fruity.

Today's birthday (Nov 30): Did you know that you share the same birthday as Winston Churchill? Coincidentally, people have been spreading a nasty Internet rumor about him that he was born in the ladies' room at a dance, and that's actually where you were conceived (and those pictures are actually available on the Internet for the low-low price of $9.99 a month.)

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Any Mercury-Juno encounter reminds you to be extra sensitive and receptive to your significant other or close friends. I see three letters in your future, and they are P, M, and S. Be afraid.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). Try to be realistic when planning for your future right now. You're never really going to amount to anything, so it would be better off if you just realized it now rather than put all your energy into being "America's Next Top Model". It's not fault that nature gave you an asymmetrical face!

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Find something useful to do with your time. You won't exactly find the cure for cancer by combining all the little bottles of shampoo that you stole from motels into a larger bottle of shampoo.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). Your mothering tendencies are getting to be a little annoying. You might call it "nurturing", but that attempt to breast-feed a 17-year old was just plain inappropriate!


Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day:Respect yourself and others will respect you. Except when you wear that stupid shirt.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.

HorrorScope November 22-29

Weekly HorrorScope - Special Thanksgiving Edition
by Penny (The Pagan Penguin)

(The Wiccan Chicken opted out of the HorrorScopes this week because seeing all the dead turkeys in the crystal ball gave him nightmares. Funny, because it just gave me hunger pains! - Penny)

Aries (March 21-April 19). You will stuff yourself, collapse into a heap on the sofa with your fly open, and watch about 4 hours of the "Trading Spaces" marathon before you fall asleep in a puddle of your own gravy-filled drool.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). You will slave over a hot stove all day just to have your Aries relative make a drooly mess on your new sofa.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). No matter what the Wiccan Chicken says, Tofurkey is not a valid substitute for an actual meal. If you wanna be a vegetarian, at least get yourself a nice lasagna or something. Oh, you don't eat cheese, either? Freakin' hippie...

Cancer (June 22-July 22). You are not seriously considering pitching a tent in the Best Buy parking lot directly after dinner in order to save $3 on the new "Cunninlynguists" CD, are you? Oh, my goddess, you are seriously a consumer whore.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Did you know that you have a severe food allergy to a common Thanksgiving staple? Good luck with that.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). There's no reason to sit on the couch all day and watch angry fat guys slam their heads together. Uncle Ray and your Dad do this every year - you're missing the football game!

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Beware of Leos - they will talk you into waking up at 3 am to stand out in the cold and get accosted by old ladies. You know those whole "Free After Rebate" things are a total scam, anyhow!

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). Before you tell everyone your size so they can start their holiday shopping for ugly sweaters, you should be aware that your favorite store practices "Vanity Sizes." That means you're actually even fatter than you think you are.

Today's birthday (Nov 22nd): Feels pretty crappy that you've been upstaged by a bird that is most known for making the "Gobble, gobble, gobble" sound. Well, at least you two have a lot in common.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Congratulations - you won't have to wait in hideous lines this holiday season because you brought everyone their gift way in advance. But don't you're jumping the gun a little by purchasing a 4-year old a subscription to Maxim Magazine?

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). Pretending to be homeless to get some free turkey from the shelter is pretty foul. Get it? Pretty "foul"? Ah, I crack myself up.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). It was very sweet of you to show the kids how to make pictures of Thanksgiving turkeys out of their hand prints. But tell me, what made you think it would be a good idea to draw in the extra "giblets" to make it anatomically correct?

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). If you don't help your significant other clean up some of the Thanksgiving festivities, you will not experience any of your own festivities for quite some time.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Having two ears and one mouth, we should listen twice as much as we speak. But how does one calculate the same math problem with the people who eat and crap from the same orifice?

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.

HorrorScope November 16-22

Weekly HorrorScope Nov 16th - November 22nd
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). Even if you are more insecure than usual, don't look to others to answer your problems. They might talk you into buying some hideous timeshare or joining an over-priced gym with a 3-year contract. You know you'll never make time go anyhow!

Taurus (April 20-May 20). Take some time to relax. Any more pressure and you're going to end up in a clocktower with that AK-47 you bought off of E-bay.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). You may need to reconsider your budget for the rest of the year. You simply cannot afford to buy holiday gifts for your family, all of your co-workers, your neighbors, your mailman, your plumber, your proctologist, the kid down the street that mowes your lawn, all of your long lost friends that you tracked down on FaceBook, your dental hygenist, and of course, your local Avon salesperson.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). You might feel inspired to cook up something new this week. Be aware, there is a difference between baking powder and baking soda. Also, tartar sauce is not a good substitute for cream of tartar.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). If you ever have any doubts about evolution, just take a quick glace in the mirror to confirm Darwin’s theory.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Use the internet responsibly. It’s bad enough that you got on a government watch list for Googling “types of marijuana”, but if you keep downloading high-resolution fetish desktop backgrounds, you’ve gonna get a STCV (Sexually Transmitted Computer Virus) that Dr. Norton can’t cure.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Fate may come knocking on your door very soon. Or maybe it’s just the paperboy – have you renewed your subscription lately?

Today's birthday (Nov 15): It’s no wonder you were born on the same day as Georgia O'Keefe! That explains why everything you draw ends up looking like female genitalia!

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). Before you tell everyone your size so they can start their holiday shopping for ugly sweaters, you should be aware that your favorite store practices "Vanity Sizes." That means you're actually even fatter than you think you are.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). You will be plagued by strange dreams involving racing midgets in go-karts over hills made out of licorice and processed cheese foods. You should probably check to make sure there isn’t a gas leak in your house.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). You need to adjust the filter between your brain and your lips – it seems to be piped incorrectly so there’s nothing but crap flowing out of your mouth.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Love is blind - but it can still smell your farts and hear your snoring. Take a beano and sleep on your side if you want to have someone to snuggle next to.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). As Mars retrogrades in your 5th House of Play, you might feel like you are ready to party. But if you get drunk and fall asleep, you are guarteed WILL find various obscenities drawn in permanent marker on your face.


Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day:The logical reply to the inquiry, “Does this dress make me look fat” is, “Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies.”

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.

HorrorScopes November 9-15

Weekly HorrorScope November 9th - 15th
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). Your partner wants you to step up to the plate in your relationship. You have a choice – watching TV every night, or having boring, but at least fairly steady sex. Before you head for the plasma screen, when was the last time you and Jamie Lee Curtis had a nooner?

Taurus (April 20-May 20). You will read a health news article about something that you thought was bad for you is now good for you and something you thought was bad for you was good for you. Before you throw out your Teflon pans and guzzle six cups of coffee for the added “health benefits,” release that it’s probably healthier to do moderation. After all, you’re gonna die from a freak lawnmower accident anyhow.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). If you are over the age of 13, you should not use any of “today’s” slang words—they make you look like an ass. If you are under the age of 13, you shouldn’t be reading this anyhow!

Cancer (June 22-July 22). Don’t indulge in avoidable arguments today. Some people are just going to go around saying MAY-sure instead of measure and WOOD-er instead of water. Don’t “ax” them to stop; just quietly revel in the fact that you are much smarter then them.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Feel like someone is watching you? It's the 6,000 roaches nested in your wall, waiting to attack you in your sleep.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). A long lost sweetheart will track you down after a long search for you. Don't get the wrong idea - they're only calling because they gave you an STD.

Today's birthday (Nov 9): On this day, Pilgrims aboard the Mayflower sighted land at Cape Cod, Massachusetts. The only thing you will site today is a few new wrinkles and perhaps a new suspicious mole that you should get checked out.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). If you keep holding in your sneezes and burps to be polite, your head is going to explode - literally. Large oozing piles of gaseous mucus is way ruder than the occasional natural noise.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). You will not find your girlfriend sleeping with your best friend while singing the National Anthem with a bowl of Cheerios with Yogurt™ on her head. She actually prefers Frosted Flakes.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Your knowledge of useless trivia is annoying, not quirky, funny or cute. Want to impress people? Pick up a newspaper and form an actual opinion. No one cares about the gestation period of elephants (duh, we aaaaall know it’s 22 months!)

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). Maybe you should hold off on that large purchase. You live in a crap-hole, you owe like 10 people large amounts of money, your car is about to break down irreparably, and you could really use a haircut.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Your lackadaisical use of antibacterial soap is actually causing drug-resistant bacteria to grow in your kitchen. Make sure wash your hands for at least 20 seconds, and for that matter, start washing your hands after you pee, you gross freak.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). You might have only “tried marijuana once,” but in the first puff, you managed to kill the last living brain cell that was allowing you to be an intelligent, functioning person. At least you’ve also managed to kill all the brain cells that give a crap about killing brain cells. Ignorance is bliss!


Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Don't take life too seriously; you'll never get out of it alive.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you
are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological
forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.

HorrorScope November 2-9

Weekly HorrorScope Nov 2nd - November 9th
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). Ever heard of the "Butterfly Effect"? Please watch what you eat - your farts have been causing forest fires in California and hurricanes in the southern States.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). You will feel anxious about financial matters this week. Perhaps you should have paid your rent on time instead of buying a crapload of junk at K-mart last night. What good is a 75% off ceramic pumpkin if you're in a homeless shelter? Actually, what good is a ceramic pumpkin in the first place?

Gemini (May 21-June 21). Keep this world a beautiful place; use a condom.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). Don't even THINK about putting up any Christmas decorations before Black Friday. Sure, some folks might want to celebrate the birth of Jesus, didn't Turkey Lurkey DIE for your dinner? Have some respect.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). We guarantee that you will not get your house devoured by a ravenous horde of alien termites with giant wood chippers.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). The fish you flushed down the toilet when you were five wasn't actually dead - he was just sleeping. He lives in the magical lake of goldfish where there are rainbows and unicorns and wonderful, wonderful things. There, now you can stop crying yourself to sleep every night.

Today's birthday (Nov 1): Very ironic that you should be BORN on the Day of the DEAD. No wonder so many ghosts and goblins mess with you! What, you thought all the weird crap that happened to you was just a coincidence? That Catrina is a catty girl!

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Those "Health" bars that you've been devouring are actually "Heath" bars. So not only are you fat, you're also illiterate.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). Don't let other people bully you into doing anything you aren't comfortable with. You are a strong, unique, talented individual. Now bitch, go make me a sandwich.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Your boss is reevaluating the company dress code because of you. The socks with sandals need to stop.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). You will never find true love. But can always find true stupidity by looking in the mirror.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). No Trick-or-Treaters last week, huh? Maybe next year you shouldn't hang up a sign that says, "Ring bell for candy, guaranteed 100% Poison & Hypodermic Needle-Free!"

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). You will lose something very important, but you won’t remember that you’ve even lost it until you desperately need it. It may be your birth certificate, it may be your car keys, but most likely, it will be your mind.


Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Great minds think alike, but fools seldom differ. Did anyone ever tell you that you look just like your mom?!

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.