Weekly HorrorScope - Special Thanksgiving Edition
by Penny (The Pagan Penguin)

(The Wiccan Chicken opted out of the HorrorScopes this week because seeing all the dead turkeys in the crystal ball gave him nightmares. Funny, because it just gave me hunger pains! - Penny)

Aries (March 21-April 19). You will stuff yourself, collapse into a heap on the sofa with your fly open, and watch about 4 hours of the "Trading Spaces" marathon before you fall asleep in a puddle of your own gravy-filled drool.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). You will slave over a hot stove all day just to have your Aries relative make a drooly mess on your new sofa.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). No matter what the Wiccan Chicken says, Tofurkey is not a valid substitute for an actual meal. If you wanna be a vegetarian, at least get yourself a nice lasagna or something. Oh, you don't eat cheese, either? Freakin' hippie...

Cancer (June 22-July 22). You are not seriously considering pitching a tent in the Best Buy parking lot directly after dinner in order to save $3 on the new "Cunninlynguists" CD, are you? Oh, my goddess, you are seriously a consumer whore.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Did you know that you have a severe food allergy to a common Thanksgiving staple? Good luck with that.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). There's no reason to sit on the couch all day and watch angry fat guys slam their heads together. Uncle Ray and your Dad do this every year - you're missing the football game!

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Beware of Leos - they will talk you into waking up at 3 am to stand out in the cold and get accosted by old ladies. You know those whole "Free After Rebate" things are a total scam, anyhow!

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). Before you tell everyone your size so they can start their holiday shopping for ugly sweaters, you should be aware that your favorite store practices "Vanity Sizes." That means you're actually even fatter than you think you are.

Today's birthday (Nov 22nd): Feels pretty crappy that you've been upstaged by a bird that is most known for making the "Gobble, gobble, gobble" sound. Well, at least you two have a lot in common.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Congratulations - you won't have to wait in hideous lines this holiday season because you brought everyone their gift way in advance. But don't you're jumping the gun a little by purchasing a 4-year old a subscription to Maxim Magazine?

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). Pretending to be homeless to get some free turkey from the shelter is pretty foul. Get it? Pretty "foul"? Ah, I crack myself up.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). It was very sweet of you to show the kids how to make pictures of Thanksgiving turkeys out of their hand prints. But tell me, what made you think it would be a good idea to draw in the extra "giblets" to make it anatomically correct?

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). If you don't help your significant other clean up some of the Thanksgiving festivities, you will not experience any of your own festivities for quite some time.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Having two ears and one mouth, we should listen twice as much as we speak. But how does one calculate the same math problem with the people who eat and crap from the same orifice?

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.