HorrorScope November 16-22

Weekly HorrorScope Nov 16th - November 22nd
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). Even if you are more insecure than usual, don't look to others to answer your problems. They might talk you into buying some hideous timeshare or joining an over-priced gym with a 3-year contract. You know you'll never make time go anyhow!

Taurus (April 20-May 20). Take some time to relax. Any more pressure and you're going to end up in a clocktower with that AK-47 you bought off of E-bay.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). You may need to reconsider your budget for the rest of the year. You simply cannot afford to buy holiday gifts for your family, all of your co-workers, your neighbors, your mailman, your plumber, your proctologist, the kid down the street that mowes your lawn, all of your long lost friends that you tracked down on FaceBook, your dental hygenist, and of course, your local Avon salesperson.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). You might feel inspired to cook up something new this week. Be aware, there is a difference between baking powder and baking soda. Also, tartar sauce is not a good substitute for cream of tartar.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). If you ever have any doubts about evolution, just take a quick glace in the mirror to confirm Darwin’s theory.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Use the internet responsibly. It’s bad enough that you got on a government watch list for Googling “types of marijuana”, but if you keep downloading high-resolution fetish desktop backgrounds, you’ve gonna get a STCV (Sexually Transmitted Computer Virus) that Dr. Norton can’t cure.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Fate may come knocking on your door very soon. Or maybe it’s just the paperboy – have you renewed your subscription lately?

Today's birthday (Nov 15): It’s no wonder you were born on the same day as Georgia O'Keefe! That explains why everything you draw ends up looking like female genitalia!

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). Before you tell everyone your size so they can start their holiday shopping for ugly sweaters, you should be aware that your favorite store practices "Vanity Sizes." That means you're actually even fatter than you think you are.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). You will be plagued by strange dreams involving racing midgets in go-karts over hills made out of licorice and processed cheese foods. You should probably check to make sure there isn’t a gas leak in your house.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). You need to adjust the filter between your brain and your lips – it seems to be piped incorrectly so there’s nothing but crap flowing out of your mouth.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Love is blind - but it can still smell your farts and hear your snoring. Take a beano and sleep on your side if you want to have someone to snuggle next to.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). As Mars retrogrades in your 5th House of Play, you might feel like you are ready to party. But if you get drunk and fall asleep, you are guarteed WILL find various obscenities drawn in permanent marker on your face.


Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day:The logical reply to the inquiry, “Does this dress make me look fat” is, “Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies.”

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.