HorrorScope Nov 30 - December 6

Weekly HorrorScopes Nov 30th - December 6th
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). You might want to consider some minor home renovations before you have actual house guests this holiday season. All your carpeting kinda smells like stale cigarettes and old people.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). Yes, it's December, already! Maye you would have been more productive in November if you didn't spend all your time catching up on episodes of "Ugly Betty" and watching your Lean Cuisine spin around in the microwave.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). You may find yourself questioning your sanity. The answer to that question is simple - just ask the little elf that lives in your sock drawer.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). Someone close to you is in need of support, and someone even closer is in need of a shower. Before you try to help anyone out, make sure you deal with your own hygiene issues.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Be careful of that sweet tooth of yours. Not only are you getting a spare tire, but all those hard candies are going to leave you needing a painful, expensive root canal. Did I mention that you have grown a tolerance to anesthesia? Man, that's really gonna suck in a few months when you....well, you'll find out about that soon enough.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Have you ever thought about electrolysis? Or at least...waxing?

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). This world is full of crazy maniacs, so make sure you always lock your doors and windows. At least with you safely locked inside, there would be one less crazy maniac on the street.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). Don't you realize that that porny-looking MySpace girl is just trying to phish your password? No one that good looking would ever actually send you a message. It's not that you're ugly, it's just that that all the glitter graphics on your page make you look kinda fruity.

Today's birthday (Nov 30): Did you know that you share the same birthday as Winston Churchill? Coincidentally, people have been spreading a nasty Internet rumor about him that he was born in the ladies' room at a dance, and that's actually where you were conceived (and those pictures are actually available on the Internet for the low-low price of $9.99 a month.)

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Any Mercury-Juno encounter reminds you to be extra sensitive and receptive to your significant other or close friends. I see three letters in your future, and they are P, M, and S. Be afraid.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). Try to be realistic when planning for your future right now. You're never really going to amount to anything, so it would be better off if you just realized it now rather than put all your energy into being "America's Next Top Model". It's not fault that nature gave you an asymmetrical face!

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Find something useful to do with your time. You won't exactly find the cure for cancer by combining all the little bottles of shampoo that you stole from motels into a larger bottle of shampoo.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). Your mothering tendencies are getting to be a little annoying. You might call it "nurturing", but that attempt to breast-feed a 17-year old was just plain inappropriate!


Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day:Respect yourself and others will respect you. Except when you wear that stupid shirt.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.