HorrorScopes November 9-15

Weekly HorrorScope November 9th - 15th
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). Your partner wants you to step up to the plate in your relationship. You have a choice – watching TV every night, or having boring, but at least fairly steady sex. Before you head for the plasma screen, when was the last time you and Jamie Lee Curtis had a nooner?

Taurus (April 20-May 20). You will read a health news article about something that you thought was bad for you is now good for you and something you thought was bad for you was good for you. Before you throw out your Teflon pans and guzzle six cups of coffee for the added “health benefits,” release that it’s probably healthier to do moderation. After all, you’re gonna die from a freak lawnmower accident anyhow.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). If you are over the age of 13, you should not use any of “today’s” slang words—they make you look like an ass. If you are under the age of 13, you shouldn’t be reading this anyhow!

Cancer (June 22-July 22). Don’t indulge in avoidable arguments today. Some people are just going to go around saying MAY-sure instead of measure and WOOD-er instead of water. Don’t “ax” them to stop; just quietly revel in the fact that you are much smarter then them.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Feel like someone is watching you? It's the 6,000 roaches nested in your wall, waiting to attack you in your sleep.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). A long lost sweetheart will track you down after a long search for you. Don't get the wrong idea - they're only calling because they gave you an STD.

Today's birthday (Nov 9): On this day, Pilgrims aboard the Mayflower sighted land at Cape Cod, Massachusetts. The only thing you will site today is a few new wrinkles and perhaps a new suspicious mole that you should get checked out.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). If you keep holding in your sneezes and burps to be polite, your head is going to explode - literally. Large oozing piles of gaseous mucus is way ruder than the occasional natural noise.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). You will not find your girlfriend sleeping with your best friend while singing the National Anthem with a bowl of Cheerios with Yogurt™ on her head. She actually prefers Frosted Flakes.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Your knowledge of useless trivia is annoying, not quirky, funny or cute. Want to impress people? Pick up a newspaper and form an actual opinion. No one cares about the gestation period of elephants (duh, we aaaaall know it’s 22 months!)

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). Maybe you should hold off on that large purchase. You live in a crap-hole, you owe like 10 people large amounts of money, your car is about to break down irreparably, and you could really use a haircut.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Your lackadaisical use of antibacterial soap is actually causing drug-resistant bacteria to grow in your kitchen. Make sure wash your hands for at least 20 seconds, and for that matter, start washing your hands after you pee, you gross freak.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). You might have only “tried marijuana once,” but in the first puff, you managed to kill the last living brain cell that was allowing you to be an intelligent, functioning person. At least you’ve also managed to kill all the brain cells that give a crap about killing brain cells. Ignorance is bliss!


Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Don't take life too seriously; you'll never get out of it alive.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you
are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological
forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.