HorrorScope November 2-9

Weekly HorrorScope Nov 2nd - November 9th
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). Ever heard of the "Butterfly Effect"? Please watch what you eat - your farts have been causing forest fires in California and hurricanes in the southern States.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). You will feel anxious about financial matters this week. Perhaps you should have paid your rent on time instead of buying a crapload of junk at K-mart last night. What good is a 75% off ceramic pumpkin if you're in a homeless shelter? Actually, what good is a ceramic pumpkin in the first place?

Gemini (May 21-June 21). Keep this world a beautiful place; use a condom.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). Don't even THINK about putting up any Christmas decorations before Black Friday. Sure, some folks might want to celebrate the birth of Jesus, didn't Turkey Lurkey DIE for your dinner? Have some respect.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). We guarantee that you will not get your house devoured by a ravenous horde of alien termites with giant wood chippers.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). The fish you flushed down the toilet when you were five wasn't actually dead - he was just sleeping. He lives in the magical lake of goldfish where there are rainbows and unicorns and wonderful, wonderful things. There, now you can stop crying yourself to sleep every night.

Today's birthday (Nov 1): Very ironic that you should be BORN on the Day of the DEAD. No wonder so many ghosts and goblins mess with you! What, you thought all the weird crap that happened to you was just a coincidence? That Catrina is a catty girl!

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Those "Health" bars that you've been devouring are actually "Heath" bars. So not only are you fat, you're also illiterate.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). Don't let other people bully you into doing anything you aren't comfortable with. You are a strong, unique, talented individual. Now bitch, go make me a sandwich.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Your boss is reevaluating the company dress code because of you. The socks with sandals need to stop.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). You will never find true love. But can always find true stupidity by looking in the mirror.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). No Trick-or-Treaters last week, huh? Maybe next year you shouldn't hang up a sign that says, "Ring bell for candy, guaranteed 100% Poison & Hypodermic Needle-Free!"

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). You will lose something very important, but you won’t remember that you’ve even lost it until you desperately need it. It may be your birth certificate, it may be your car keys, but most likely, it will be your mind.


Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Great minds think alike, but fools seldom differ. Did anyone ever tell you that you look just like your mom?!

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.