HorrorScope October 26 - November 1

Weekly HorrorScope October 26 - November 1
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin
Special Halloween Edition!

Aries (March 21-April 19). Dressing up as a “Sexy Fairy” or “Sexy Witch” isn’t going to help if you’re not actually sexy. You’d be better off just going as a Hersey Kiss because at least the costume conforms to your natural shape.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). You will go to a Halloween party, get drunk, possibly expose yourself, and vomit up Dunkin Donuts Halloween Munchkins. Yes, they are just as orange “going in” as they are “coming out”.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). Someone you know will wear a “Little Mermaid” costume and have massive issues with “The Seashells.” If you are a good friend, you should prepare by bringing some glue or spirit gum. If you are a jerk, you should prepare by bringing a camera.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). This Halloween, you will end up remorsefully eating your entire bowl of candy when no one shows up at your door. Hey, didn’t the same thing happen on prom night, too?

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Although giving out apples and/or toothbrushes to Trick-Or-Treaters is a nice, healthy thought, it will result a less-friendly, massive, flaming pile of dog crap on your doorstep.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Halloween is on freakin' Wednesday! If you don't get your costume like...right NOW, you are going to end up choosing between the over-priced, nappy gorilla costume or the cheaper, but sadder looking Pikachu costume that smells a little bit like cheese.

Today's birthday (Oct. 25). You share the same birthday as Pablo Picasso. Too bad you are nowhere near as talented, respected, or rich.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Enough with the Halloween decorations - your front lawn is starting to look like the Wal-Mart clearance section.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). If you want to make the classic sheet-over-your-head "Ghost" costume, you might want to consider buying a fresh sheet with no "Nighttime Stains" on it.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). What where you thinking when you bought that fruity-looking mailbox? You're just asking for it to get it baseball batted, covered in shaving cream, toilet papered, egged, and possibly sexually molested.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). That hot chick in the Marylin Monroe costume that wants to make out with you is really a man. Wow, it's a good thing that you're into that kinda thing!

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). No, going as "Goatsie" for Halloween is not a good idea. Think of the children.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). For shame! A needy family could have eaten supper for one night, but instead, you turned a perfectly good meal into a really pathetic-looking Jack-O-Lantern.


Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Man who gets a bad kidney stone lodges in his urethra on October 31 will not have a Happy Hollow-Weenie.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.

HorrorScope October 19-25

Weekly HorrorScope October 19 - October 25
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

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Aries (March 21-April 19). Your iPhone might be awful convenient, but it’s giving you cancer, making you impotent, and really obnoxious at the checkout line.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). You cost the government $479,000 in research and wiretapping after Verizon reported you telling talking to your friend about how “bombed you were last night”.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). Sitting next to someone in Math class just because they are Asian is racist. For shame! But since you are good at racial profiling and bad at math, perhaps you should look into a career in law enforcement?

Cancer (June 22-July 22). Yes, you are pregnant. Good luck explaining that one to your girlfriend and the rest of the scientific community.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). You will not get bitten by a mongoose while walking down the stairs for a glass of chocolate milk on a rainy Sunday.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). It’s not a old wives' tale: You WILL go blind and get hairy palms.

Today's birthday (Oct. 18). So what if you've gained a little weight over the years? Remember—there’s always room for Jello.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). A random person will mistake you for someone else on Facebook, and you will quietly deny their friend request. You will later see your doppelganger in the local news when they announce the murder/suicide that occured due to the social-networking mix-up.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). Your doctor will soon discover that remnants of those peas that you shoved in your nasal cavity when you were four are still “up there”.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Thankfully, the weather will finally start to cool off, so you can tuck those sandals away for good. It’s a good thing because you have REALLY ugly feet.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). You will succeed in live if you remember to floss, recycle, and not act like such an asshole all the time.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). You will find yourself incessantly humming the “I Dream of Genie” theme song. Good work—just when your co-workers thought they couldn’t hate you more, you added another layer of “annoying”.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). Hey. You! Put the cookie down.


Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.

Great Find: Woman Accused of Stealing Penis

Great Sphinx Great Find
So, I stumbled upon this totally strange, but true article today at the Daily Trust and had to share it because it is just so strange:
_______________________________
Woman Accused of Genital Theft
Written by Hassan Idris

In a dramatic twist of sex scandal, a middle aged man who accused his sex partner of stealing his genital has now turned into an accused after the accused lady was forced by the police, on recommendation of a herbalist into another intercourse, in a bid to restore his manhood in Bassan Jiwa, Airport Village, Abuja.

An Abuja-based beer palour owner called Grace Igbian has been accused by her lover Kingsley Ulame of ‘stealing’ his sexual organ. They had been dating for an exteded period of time and they last stayed and slept together for 29 days before he travelled home to see his family in Benin, Edo State. But instead of enjoying his stay with his family, Ulame said he started having problems with his organ. He noticed that he could not have an erection. According to him, his organ stopped functioning and he was frightened that it may result to impotence.

He said at a point, he contemplated committing suicide but later decided to seek spiritual intervention. He consulted a lot of pastors to help him out of the predicament. After that failed, he started searching for orthodox and traditional medicines but there was no solution to what he described as his shrunken manhood.

After his efforts bore no fruit, Ulame said he became suspicious of Igbian whom he had intercourse with before travelling, so he decided to call and intimate her of his predicament. "She responded by saying, it was probably because of stress which I was suffering. She subsequently advised me to relax so that I can be okay. After some time, I was still not feeling better from the orthodox, traditional and spiritual solutions," Ulame said.

Igbian confessed to making love with him for 29 days before he travelled home. She also described Ulame as a caring person. But she denied stealing his manhood and to buttress her ignorance, Igbian swore an oath before Weekly Trust. She said she was innocent of the charges levelled against her.

But Ulame insisted that Igbian had at a point threatened him that he will never regain use of his organ unless he has intercourse with her again.

Ulame returned to Abuja, only to find Igbian had moved out of his room and rented another room in a neighbouring house. "When I came back, she had taken my property to her house and then took all my belongings to her room," he said.

Ulame loudly accused her of stealing his manhood and started demanding for it and called his friends and brothers who pleaded with her to return. He resorted to beating her, eventually wounding her.

Igbian was infuriated by the beating she got from her ex-lover and she walked straight to the police station and reported him.

According to her, the Divisional Police Officer (DPO) of Airport Division, Assistant Superintendent of Police, Peter Thazilza invited a herbalist called Haifa, a Fulani woman who thereafter claimed that Igbian had indeed stolen Ulame’s organ. Subsequently, Igbian said she was forced to have sex with Ulame by the DPO in his office, because they wanted the man to ‘regain his manhood’. In an effort to realise whether she was the person who stole the man’s organ, she said the DPO promised to bring another woman to his office so that Ulame will ‘test’ his organ.

ASP Thazilza confirmed to Weekly Trust that the sex scandal happened in Bassan Jiwa, recently. According to him, one day, he heard a crowd of people shouting and fighting and I found out that some young men were beating Igbian, alleging that she has stolen her boyfriend’s organ. So I decided to intervene," he said.

He further said, "I got to know that Igbian has reported the case to the station and what I wanted to do was to help them resolve the issue amicably." He, however, dismissed the allegation made with Igbian that she was forced to have intercourse to Ulame in the DPO’s office, saying he is "a curator of morality" with community security service and he will never ask somebody to have sex in his office.

"It is true that one woman herbalist was called to the station and she indicted the accused as the person who stole the man’s organ. The herbalist said the accused lady used a mirror to take the man’s organ away from him. However, in the laws of the land there is no provision for witchcraft and mysterious stealing of genitals. If such things happen, we normally forward the matter to the court. But in this case, I settled them out of the station to give peace a chance", he said.

But for Igbian, the allegation of stealing a man’s organ mysteriously has tarnished her image in the community to the extent that she has been threatened with ejection by the landlord of her house and her shop.

_______________________________

You wanna know my opinion, guys?

1.) I can't believe this article was written with the understanding that it's "okay" to be forced to have sex in the middle of an DPO office. Wait, what? The aromatherapist or whatever she is said that woman stole the guy's johnson, so she was forced to have sex with him in the DPO office? In what way does raping a woman ever prove whether or not she is a witch/sorceress/practicer of the evil eye? "Here guys, why don't we just put the poor woman up on a wooden stake and burn her - that worked for those dudes in Salem."

2.) And great, this is yet another excuse that the pharmaceutical companies can use to sell stuff to alleviate erectile dysfunction. "Do you think a witch has cast a spell on your cock? Take this blue pill and rape her so you can feel better."

3.) If he would have come to MY house accusing me of stealing his manhood or whatever, I would have given him a swift kick in the balls to remind him where his manhood was actually situated.

Where's Lorena when you need her?

HorrorScope Oct 12 – Oct 18

Weekly HorrorScope Oct 12 – Oct 18
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). There is a warrant out for your arrest in some obscure state you due to an unpaid parking ticket. Next time you are vacationing, make sure you use your turn signal and obey stop signs so you don’t end up becoming someone's prison girlfriend.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). Yes, Hollywood IS stealing all your ideas. Your "Nielsen Media Research" box is actually recording everything you do and transmitting it back to all the executives...and that is the singular reason why TV sucks so boring at the moment. Could you be a little more interesting so I have something to watch on Monday nights?

Gemini (May 21-June 21). Do you remember that bug you smashed against the wall about a month ago? Well, his great-great-great-great-great-great granddaughter wants to seek revenge by laying some eggs in your ear canal. RAID isn’t gonna fix this one.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). Being environmentally friendly and conserving water is one thing, but it’s just plain bad manners if you don’t flush twice when you really, really need to.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). You might feel a slight twinge in the left side of your temple, possibly followed by a low ringing in your ears. That’s the sound of a really important brain cell dying.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). The joy of being crazy is that you don’t know you’re crazy, so you’re everyone else’s problem.

Today's birthday (Oct. 11). Well, at least you don't smell like old people yet.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Your planets will align with Venus, which will cause a great surge in your love life. This will be quickly extinguished by a hormonal imbalance that will cause your face to erupt like Mount Saint Helens.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). Someone in your family was really mad at you, so they didn’t tell you when your toothbrush “accidentally” fell in the toilet. You might want to invest in a new one.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). That overpriced “Natural” breakfast bar you’re munching has just as much sugar and carbohydrates as a standard candy bar. Save some money and eat an apple or something before all your teeth fall out.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). Oh, you wouldn’t like what I’m going to say about you so I’m not even going to say it. Consider it a “surprise”.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). That bump you felt on your work today wasn’t an unevenly paved road – it was a pregnant female Peromyscus polionotus niveiventris (Southeastern Beach Mouse) that accidentally escaped from the local environmental conservation center. Congratulations – eradicated an entire species of mammal during your morning commute.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). You are going to live a long life and turn into that crotchety old person that stands by the window and criticizes where everyone park their cars. That is, until your children poison you for the inheritance.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.

Adult Halloween Costume Ideas

Whatcha Gonna Be for Halloween?
by the Jersey Fresh Friends

Every year, most people go to the local costume store and walk through isles of candy corn and annoying talking skeleton statues by in order to get a "Unique" costume. But usually, all you find is a bunch of overpriced, unoriginal, cheap-polyester merchandise that has been rooted through by 10,000 other people!

You can avoid this whole mess by making your own costume! Here are a few ideas I have gathered, and I encourage you to submit more by e-mailing wiccanchicken at wiccanchicken . com (take out the spaces - I'm avoiding SPAM robots). Most of these are pretty easy and can be thrown together in a weekend!

Famous Internet Icons
by Wiccan Chicken

Tay Zonday (the Chocolate Rain guy): Grab a pair of headphones and rectangular glasses and you’re on your way! Make sure you memorize the 500 verses of the song in case anyone wants to hear it for the millionth time.

Chris Crocker (from the Leave Britney Spears Alone video): Dye your hair blonde, wear some smeared eyeliner, and swoon over a picture of Britney Spears.

The Dancing Baby (Believe it or not, this was an internet phenomenon before Ally McBeal even got a hold of it!): Standard baby costume, but with a tape recording of the Ooga-Chaka song.

Me (The Wiccan Chicken): Grab a beak from any party store and pick up a yellow pentagram shirt. Bonus point if you can find chicken feet/dye your shoes orange and wear orange pants. Or just take a normal chicken costume and put a pentagram on it. If you send in pics, I'll post you up here & you might get some fun stuff!

Group/Couple Costume Ideas
by Penny (The Pagan Penguin)

Mulder & Scully (X-files): Bonus points if you can nab an alien of some kind!

OK Go (from their Treadmill Video): Go to a thrift store with a group of your buddies and go nuts!

Michael Jackson & the cast from Thriller: Or just go as normal Michael Jackson – that’s scary enough. Bonus if you carry a fake baby around with you and dangle it over a ledge.

Sexy Costumes Ideas
by Sphinx

Jessica Rabbit: Forget Roger - all you need is a good pushup bra for this one. I suggest the stick-on kind so you can wear a backless dress. The gloves are usually hard to find (dark purple opera gloves), so call around Bridal Shops or check E-bay for a sure match.

Carmen Sandiego: Don't think Ms. Carmen is sexy? Well, that just depends on what you wear (or don't wear) under that trench coat! And here is a great way to meet hot guys - you can write actual Carmen Sandiego trivia on big cards and ask any cutie you want an excuse to talk to answer the questions (just make sure you write the answers on the back.)

The Great Sphinx. Yes, I know I'm great, and frankly, I'm the sexiest thing West of the Nile. Besides West Nile Disease... that's not that sexy. But if you want to go as me, you can black-out the tip of your nose so it looks like it's fallen off, and make sure you do something fun with Uraeus (the snake on my headdress). You can also talk your friends going as other mystic Egyptian gods, or if you're REALLY craft, pyramids & King Tut's Sarcophagus.

Drag Costumes:
by Biggie (Bigfoot)

Zombie Anna Nicole Smith: Make yourself blond, slutty, and dead-looking. Accessorize with a box of TrimSpa.

Britney Spears at the VMA’s: Grab a pair of sparkly panties with a matching bra, fishnets, a big messed up blond wig, and fourteen shots of tequila. Remember – the more drunk and lethargic you are in this costume, the more accurate you will look to real Britney. Bonus points if you can get someone to go as Chris Crocker and chase you around.

Marilyn Monroe: A classic, and most costume shops carry the wig & dress - but put wires on the bottom of the dress so it's permanently up and showing your man-junk. Extra points if you JFK with you to have extramarital affairs with.

Really Easy Costumes
by J.D. (The New Jersey Devil)

Easy Costume Numbah 1: Okay. You need a jar of paste, one of those plastic tooth things that you get from the dentist when you lose your tooth, and a Tuba. Yeah, an actual Tuba, just steal it from your little brother or something. So, okay, hang the tooth thing around your neck. Then hold the Tuba under your arm. Then grab the paste with the other arm. Congratulations – You’re a Tuba Tooth Paste.

Easy Costume Numbah 2: That freakin' douche bag from the Verizon commercials. Just dress like an asshole and walk around asking, “Can you hear me now?”

Easy Costume Numbah 3: Just go around naked and tell people you’re the back of a pack of nudie playing cards.

HorrorScopes October 5-11

Weekly HorrorScopes Oct 5 - Oct 11
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). 85-90% of what you've been eating isn't actually food. Even that tapeworm stuck to your small intestine is dying for a piece of lettuce or something!

Taurus (April 20-May 20). You will feel slightly aggravated when you are bombarded by useless tasks from your co-workers. If you don't know what to do, look to the United States Postal Service for advice.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). I saw you checking that person out the other day...and so did your significant other. Next time you let your eyes wander, try not to look so much like the wolf from those old Tex Avery cartoons. Or at least stop making the "Awooooga, awooooga!" noises.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). Whatever you do, don’t read this...oh, no, you just did...crap, no, stop, don’t read this next line...OH! That’s it, you’re doomed, you have brought this upon yourself.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). You will not find a $1,000 bill on the floor of the local 7-11. But you might find a roach.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). You will get invited to a party out of sheer obligation because you are a distant relative of the host/dating someone the host knows. But don’t worry, you can buy their love with a bottle of wine. After all, everyone loves you when they're drunk. Especially your step-dad.

Today's birthday (Oct. 4). You will receive a giftcard and immediately misplace it. It’s not your fault; stores spray giftcards with a special disappearing solution that causes you to misplace them for 12 months until they expire and are completely devoid of value.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). You will find a one-inch, course, gnarly hair growing where it shouldn’t be. Yeah, some people noticed, but no one wanted to say anything.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). People like you shouldn’t have pets. That is all.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). No matter what the Catholic priest tells you, the rhythm method is just a rumor. Please stop overpopulating the planet with your unwanted offspring.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). You will have a nice and perfectly pleasant week.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). You will wake up forty-five minutes late to work and your car won’t start. On your walk to the bus, you will narrowly escape an attacked by a giant horde of centipedes by running into a dark alley where you will be beaten over the head by a masked mugger named Alejandro. You will then wake up in a bathtub full of ice with one less kidney and..oh, crap, I mixed up your fortune with Capricorn’s. What I meant to say was “You will have a nice and perfectly pleasant week".

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). Next time you poop, remember that you are the only one that poops and that you are a hideous freak.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Leave it alone and it will grow on its own. This includes the mold in your shower.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.