HorrorScope October 26 - November 1

Weekly HorrorScope October 26 - November 1
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin
Special Halloween Edition!

Aries (March 21-April 19). Dressing up as a “Sexy Fairy” or “Sexy Witch” isn’t going to help if you’re not actually sexy. You’d be better off just going as a Hersey Kiss because at least the costume conforms to your natural shape.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). You will go to a Halloween party, get drunk, possibly expose yourself, and vomit up Dunkin Donuts Halloween Munchkins. Yes, they are just as orange “going in” as they are “coming out”.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). Someone you know will wear a “Little Mermaid” costume and have massive issues with “The Seashells.” If you are a good friend, you should prepare by bringing some glue or spirit gum. If you are a jerk, you should prepare by bringing a camera.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). This Halloween, you will end up remorsefully eating your entire bowl of candy when no one shows up at your door. Hey, didn’t the same thing happen on prom night, too?

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Although giving out apples and/or toothbrushes to Trick-Or-Treaters is a nice, healthy thought, it will result a less-friendly, massive, flaming pile of dog crap on your doorstep.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Halloween is on freakin' Wednesday! If you don't get your costume like...right NOW, you are going to end up choosing between the over-priced, nappy gorilla costume or the cheaper, but sadder looking Pikachu costume that smells a little bit like cheese.

Today's birthday (Oct. 25). You share the same birthday as Pablo Picasso. Too bad you are nowhere near as talented, respected, or rich.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Enough with the Halloween decorations - your front lawn is starting to look like the Wal-Mart clearance section.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). If you want to make the classic sheet-over-your-head "Ghost" costume, you might want to consider buying a fresh sheet with no "Nighttime Stains" on it.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). What where you thinking when you bought that fruity-looking mailbox? You're just asking for it to get it baseball batted, covered in shaving cream, toilet papered, egged, and possibly sexually molested.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). That hot chick in the Marylin Monroe costume that wants to make out with you is really a man. Wow, it's a good thing that you're into that kinda thing!

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). No, going as "Goatsie" for Halloween is not a good idea. Think of the children.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). For shame! A needy family could have eaten supper for one night, but instead, you turned a perfectly good meal into a really pathetic-looking Jack-O-Lantern.


Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Man who gets a bad kidney stone lodges in his urethra on October 31 will not have a Happy Hollow-Weenie.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.