Weekly HorrorScope Oct 12 – Oct 18
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). There is a warrant out for your arrest in some obscure state you due to an unpaid parking ticket. Next time you are vacationing, make sure you use your turn signal and obey stop signs so you don’t end up becoming someone's prison girlfriend.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). Yes, Hollywood IS stealing all your ideas. Your "Nielsen Media Research" box is actually recording everything you do and transmitting it back to all the executives...and that is the singular reason why TV sucks so boring at the moment. Could you be a little more interesting so I have something to watch on Monday nights?

Gemini (May 21-June 21). Do you remember that bug you smashed against the wall about a month ago? Well, his great-great-great-great-great-great granddaughter wants to seek revenge by laying some eggs in your ear canal. RAID isn’t gonna fix this one.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). Being environmentally friendly and conserving water is one thing, but it’s just plain bad manners if you don’t flush twice when you really, really need to.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). You might feel a slight twinge in the left side of your temple, possibly followed by a low ringing in your ears. That’s the sound of a really important brain cell dying.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). The joy of being crazy is that you don’t know you’re crazy, so you’re everyone else’s problem.

Today's birthday (Oct. 11). Well, at least you don't smell like old people yet.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Your planets will align with Venus, which will cause a great surge in your love life. This will be quickly extinguished by a hormonal imbalance that will cause your face to erupt like Mount Saint Helens.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). Someone in your family was really mad at you, so they didn’t tell you when your toothbrush “accidentally” fell in the toilet. You might want to invest in a new one.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). That overpriced “Natural” breakfast bar you’re munching has just as much sugar and carbohydrates as a standard candy bar. Save some money and eat an apple or something before all your teeth fall out.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). Oh, you wouldn’t like what I’m going to say about you so I’m not even going to say it. Consider it a “surprise”.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). That bump you felt on your work today wasn’t an unevenly paved road – it was a pregnant female Peromyscus polionotus niveiventris (Southeastern Beach Mouse) that accidentally escaped from the local environmental conservation center. Congratulations – eradicated an entire species of mammal during your morning commute.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). You are going to live a long life and turn into that crotchety old person that stands by the window and criticizes where everyone park their cars. That is, until your children poison you for the inheritance.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.