HorrorScope October 19-25

Weekly HorrorScope October 19 - October 25
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

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Aries (March 21-April 19). Your iPhone might be awful convenient, but it’s giving you cancer, making you impotent, and really obnoxious at the checkout line.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). You cost the government $479,000 in research and wiretapping after Verizon reported you telling talking to your friend about how “bombed you were last night”.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). Sitting next to someone in Math class just because they are Asian is racist. For shame! But since you are good at racial profiling and bad at math, perhaps you should look into a career in law enforcement?

Cancer (June 22-July 22). Yes, you are pregnant. Good luck explaining that one to your girlfriend and the rest of the scientific community.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). You will not get bitten by a mongoose while walking down the stairs for a glass of chocolate milk on a rainy Sunday.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). It’s not a old wives' tale: You WILL go blind and get hairy palms.

Today's birthday (Oct. 18). So what if you've gained a little weight over the years? Remember—there’s always room for Jello.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). A random person will mistake you for someone else on Facebook, and you will quietly deny their friend request. You will later see your doppelganger in the local news when they announce the murder/suicide that occured due to the social-networking mix-up.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). Your doctor will soon discover that remnants of those peas that you shoved in your nasal cavity when you were four are still “up there”.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Thankfully, the weather will finally start to cool off, so you can tuck those sandals away for good. It’s a good thing because you have REALLY ugly feet.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). You will succeed in live if you remember to floss, recycle, and not act like such an asshole all the time.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). You will find yourself incessantly humming the “I Dream of Genie” theme song. Good work—just when your co-workers thought they couldn’t hate you more, you added another layer of “annoying”.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). Hey. You! Put the cookie down.


Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.