HorrorScopes October 5-11

Weekly HorrorScopes Oct 5 - Oct 11
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). 85-90% of what you've been eating isn't actually food. Even that tapeworm stuck to your small intestine is dying for a piece of lettuce or something!

Taurus (April 20-May 20). You will feel slightly aggravated when you are bombarded by useless tasks from your co-workers. If you don't know what to do, look to the United States Postal Service for advice.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). I saw you checking that person out the other day...and so did your significant other. Next time you let your eyes wander, try not to look so much like the wolf from those old Tex Avery cartoons. Or at least stop making the "Awooooga, awooooga!" noises.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). Whatever you do, don’t read this...oh, no, you just did...crap, no, stop, don’t read this next line...OH! That’s it, you’re doomed, you have brought this upon yourself.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). You will not find a $1,000 bill on the floor of the local 7-11. But you might find a roach.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). You will get invited to a party out of sheer obligation because you are a distant relative of the host/dating someone the host knows. But don’t worry, you can buy their love with a bottle of wine. After all, everyone loves you when they're drunk. Especially your step-dad.

Today's birthday (Oct. 4). You will receive a giftcard and immediately misplace it. It’s not your fault; stores spray giftcards with a special disappearing solution that causes you to misplace them for 12 months until they expire and are completely devoid of value.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). You will find a one-inch, course, gnarly hair growing where it shouldn’t be. Yeah, some people noticed, but no one wanted to say anything.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). People like you shouldn’t have pets. That is all.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). No matter what the Catholic priest tells you, the rhythm method is just a rumor. Please stop overpopulating the planet with your unwanted offspring.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). You will have a nice and perfectly pleasant week.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). You will wake up forty-five minutes late to work and your car won’t start. On your walk to the bus, you will narrowly escape an attacked by a giant horde of centipedes by running into a dark alley where you will be beaten over the head by a masked mugger named Alejandro. You will then wake up in a bathtub full of ice with one less kidney and..oh, crap, I mixed up your fortune with Capricorn’s. What I meant to say was “You will have a nice and perfectly pleasant week".

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). Next time you poop, remember that you are the only one that poops and that you are a hideous freak.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Leave it alone and it will grow on its own. This includes the mold in your shower.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.