HorrorScopes March 28-April 3

Weekly HorrorScopes March 28-April 3

By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). You will receive a lot of compliments on your current outfits. Too bad you're only looking good because everyone bought you clothing for birthday and you'll just go back to wearing greasy sweatpants in a week or two.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). Everyone hates those ego-centric stupid online surveys you post. No one wants to know your favorite sexual position, so stop telling the world.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). You will get excited when you find a treasure map, and after pulling together a highly-trailed team of excavators, you will discover that the map is simply a maze from the back of an old cereal box.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). You will have a pretty severe misunderstanding with a loved one this week. You might want to prepare your own food for a while and sleep with a gun under your pillow.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Yes, they did find the sex tape. They laughed, they cried, and they made copies.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). A winning lottery ticket will end up disintegrating in the pants pocket of your favorite jeans somewhere between the rinse and spin cycle. Also, those jeans are not shrinking, your ass is just growing.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Family matters might come to a forefront in your life this week. You might as well ignore them since they all hate you.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). Your next relationship will surely end because of an ill-timed text message.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). You might want to do a little spring cleaning in the next few weeks. Replace your heating filter, clean your fish tank, get your oil changed, and for goodness sake, throw out the phone number of that person you met at a bar a few months ago. You've been leaving pathetic messages on the answering machine of an 85-year old woman, and she doesn't even want to go grab a cup of coffee with you.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). Stop being so defensive. Constructive criticism is useful tool, especially since you are genuinely acting like a douche bag.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). You might be looking for some excitement right now, but pissing on electric fences is generally not a good idea.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). Try to make some positive changes in your life this week. Start by dumping your significant other before you get too comfortable and start spawning their hideous offspring.

Today's Birthday (March 28). On this day in history, Virginia Woolf committed suicide after becoming depressed and hearing voices in her head. At least the voices in your head only make you kill other people, not yourself.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: You don't get something for nothing in this word, except when you steal it out of your neighbor's backyard.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.

HorrorScopes March 21- 27

Weekly HorrorScopes March 21- 27

By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Special Note: If any of you are experiencing difficulties with your HorrorScope iGoogle Gadget, we just found out that the problem is on Google's end. Apparently. they are having trouble fixing anything since thousands of locusts and frogs have invaded the Google Corporate Offices. We apologize for the inconvenience.

Aries (March 21-April 19). You are the type of person that would agonize over the color of the curtains even if your house was on fire. Try to look at the big picture rather than worrying about little details, unless than little detail involves your cat’s tail and an open flame..

Taurus (April 20-May 20). No matter how much you hope and pray, a giant tornado will not whip by and suck up your least favorite presidential candidate. But you are in luck! A gusty wind will catch the hem of Hilary's skirt and you will see more than just her plans for Universal Health Care.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). When faced with a decision, listen to your gut. It's telling you to eat a salad that isn't covered in meat, refried beans, and taco sauce.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). It might be time for a vacation, even if it is just for a day or two. If you don't relax soon, your coronary artery will explode, causing you to go into great distress and making an awful mess on the carpet in your office.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). This week will bring you great sorrow. Yes, your mother-in-law is in town.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Your future looks very bright, especially since the light it coming from the high beams of an 18-wheeler heading straight towards you on an icy day.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). If you are planning to have dinner over a relative's house this week, make sure you invest in some prune juice, less your aunt's pot roast clog up your pipes for the next week. Avoid riding in buses or crowded trains, please...for the sake of the children!

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). Your failed artistic aspirations continually you starving, penniless, and unable to keep a girlfriend. Get a real job, hippy.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Your overly bubbly attitude gives everyone you know a headache. Looking at the glass half full all the time doesn't make you optimistic, it makes you a moron.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). Although you think you are a born leader, the rest of the world sees you for the pushy asshole that you really are. You will die with your shriveled junk in your hand and no one will attend your funeral.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): You are generally business savvy, but selling your own organs on the black market is probably not a good idea. Considering how much you drink, no one wants any of your organs anyhow.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): Sure. midget porn might not be illegal, but involving goats, handcuffs, and alter boys might raise the eyebrows of the local authorities.

Today's Birthday (March 21): Since you were born on the equinox you have a tendency to display erratic behavior as your fire and water signs do battle. At the end of the day, all you end up producing at the end of the day is a lot of steam and even more gas.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Marriage changes passion ... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.

HorrorScopes March 14-20

Weekly HorrorScopes March 14 - 20

By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). You have good manners because you weren't born in a barn. That doesn't mean you weren't conceived in one.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). You need to be more realistic with your outlook in life. Appearing in your friend's wedding footage giving a drunken speech to a bunch of old people isn't enough of a body of work to constitute telling everyone you know that you're an "actor".

Gemini (May 21-June 21). You are a troubled person. But nobody really cares about your problems, so we're not even going to bother getting into them.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). So...has your doctor called to let you know the news yet?

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Some type of mammal will pee on you leg and then attempt to hump it. You will probably enjoy it.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). You might try to fool the world by acting like a badass, but everyone saw you crying at that stupid girlie movie last week. Come on now, it wasn't even supposed to be sad!

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). You will uncover secrets so shocking, so scandalous, so titillating that your world will be changed forever. It's pretty sad that you let Spanish soap operas govern your feelings so much.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). Your SPAM filter will block an important e-mail, thus changing your life forever. You could have saved 30-40% on Viagra!

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). This week, you will spend at least five minutes reading your horoscope, and you will be amazed when your realize how accurate and appropriate it is to your life at the moment. You will also continue reading your horoscope long after it is over, therefore wasting precious minutes of your life that you could be spending picking your crotch.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). There are at least seven people in this world that are plotting to kill you. At least two of them live in your house.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Your vagina is haunted by the murder/suicide that took place "in there".

Today's Birthday (March 14): Happy Pi Day! What, you didn't realize you were born on 3-14? That's why you are naturally good at math, and naturally horrible at anything that requires social skills.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): Although "Super Poking" people might be fun on Facebook, it's probably not appropriate to perform any of these actions in real life. Sheep are actually pretty heavy.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.

HorrorScopes March 7-13

Weekly HorrorScopes March 7 - 13

By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). Just when you think everything has already gone horribly wrong, you'll find out the true meaning of "koro".

Taurus (April 20-May 20). As the sign of the bull, we are aware that you don't like change, but you should consider changing your lightbulbs once they burn out. your oil every 3,000 miles, and your underwear at least once a week.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). Your dentist secretly uses photos of your mouth as the “before” picture.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). If you want people to respect you, try wearing navy blue since studies show that people associate that color with power and leadership. You might also want to try to start wearing pants, yanno, in general.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). When you are in bed with your partner, they imagine Hayden Christensen instead of you.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Saying “Giggity, giggity, giggity” all the time won’t make you as cool as Quagmire – it’s just liable to get you punched in the face.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). No, the short guy at the coffee shop is a leprechaun - he suffers a rare bone disorder. Quit harassing him to find out where he hid his gold.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). An old flame will come back into your life and make you a bit uncomfortable. If lighting your farts in the 8th grade didn't go so well, what makes you think today will be any different?

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Wow, you're wearing a cute outfit today! It would look fantastic on a more attractive person.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19).You somehow manage to make the entire world around you burst with laughter. Unfortunately, they're laughing AT you, not with you.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): In your lifetime, you have eaten 487 chicken necks, 169 beef rectums, and 247 miscellaneous ground-up eyeballs. You might want to consider cooking for yourself or adding some more vegetables to your diet, or at least stop ordering “scrapple” at your local Denny’s.

Today's Birthday (March 2): Happy Birthday! Although you share the birthday of Dr. Seuss, your poem, "One Bitch, Two Bitch, Red Bitch, Dead Bitch" doesn't quite bring the same joy to families around the world.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): You will never be sad and alone because losers tend to flock to you. I take that back. You'll never be alone.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Don't drink and park - accidents cause people.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.