HorrorScopes March 14-20

Weekly HorrorScopes March 14 - 20

By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). You have good manners because you weren't born in a barn. That doesn't mean you weren't conceived in one.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). You need to be more realistic with your outlook in life. Appearing in your friend's wedding footage giving a drunken speech to a bunch of old people isn't enough of a body of work to constitute telling everyone you know that you're an "actor".

Gemini (May 21-June 21). You are a troubled person. But nobody really cares about your problems, so we're not even going to bother getting into them.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). So...has your doctor called to let you know the news yet?

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Some type of mammal will pee on you leg and then attempt to hump it. You will probably enjoy it.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). You might try to fool the world by acting like a badass, but everyone saw you crying at that stupid girlie movie last week. Come on now, it wasn't even supposed to be sad!

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). You will uncover secrets so shocking, so scandalous, so titillating that your world will be changed forever. It's pretty sad that you let Spanish soap operas govern your feelings so much.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). Your SPAM filter will block an important e-mail, thus changing your life forever. You could have saved 30-40% on Viagra!

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). This week, you will spend at least five minutes reading your horoscope, and you will be amazed when your realize how accurate and appropriate it is to your life at the moment. You will also continue reading your horoscope long after it is over, therefore wasting precious minutes of your life that you could be spending picking your crotch.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). There are at least seven people in this world that are plotting to kill you. At least two of them live in your house.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Your vagina is haunted by the murder/suicide that took place "in there".

Today's Birthday (March 14): Happy Pi Day! What, you didn't realize you were born on 3-14? That's why you are naturally good at math, and naturally horrible at anything that requires social skills.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): Although "Super Poking" people might be fun on Facebook, it's probably not appropriate to perform any of these actions in real life. Sheep are actually pretty heavy.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.