HorrorScopes March 21- 27

Weekly HorrorScopes March 21- 27

By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Special Note: If any of you are experiencing difficulties with your HorrorScope iGoogle Gadget, we just found out that the problem is on Google's end. Apparently. they are having trouble fixing anything since thousands of locusts and frogs have invaded the Google Corporate Offices. We apologize for the inconvenience.

Aries (March 21-April 19). You are the type of person that would agonize over the color of the curtains even if your house was on fire. Try to look at the big picture rather than worrying about little details, unless than little detail involves your cat’s tail and an open flame..

Taurus (April 20-May 20). No matter how much you hope and pray, a giant tornado will not whip by and suck up your least favorite presidential candidate. But you are in luck! A gusty wind will catch the hem of Hilary's skirt and you will see more than just her plans for Universal Health Care.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). When faced with a decision, listen to your gut. It's telling you to eat a salad that isn't covered in meat, refried beans, and taco sauce.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). It might be time for a vacation, even if it is just for a day or two. If you don't relax soon, your coronary artery will explode, causing you to go into great distress and making an awful mess on the carpet in your office.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). This week will bring you great sorrow. Yes, your mother-in-law is in town.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Your future looks very bright, especially since the light it coming from the high beams of an 18-wheeler heading straight towards you on an icy day.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). If you are planning to have dinner over a relative's house this week, make sure you invest in some prune juice, less your aunt's pot roast clog up your pipes for the next week. Avoid riding in buses or crowded trains, please...for the sake of the children!

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). Your failed artistic aspirations continually you starving, penniless, and unable to keep a girlfriend. Get a real job, hippy.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Your overly bubbly attitude gives everyone you know a headache. Looking at the glass half full all the time doesn't make you optimistic, it makes you a moron.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). Although you think you are a born leader, the rest of the world sees you for the pushy asshole that you really are. You will die with your shriveled junk in your hand and no one will attend your funeral.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): You are generally business savvy, but selling your own organs on the black market is probably not a good idea. Considering how much you drink, no one wants any of your organs anyhow.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): Sure. midget porn might not be illegal, but involving goats, handcuffs, and alter boys might raise the eyebrows of the local authorities.

Today's Birthday (March 21): Since you were born on the equinox you have a tendency to display erratic behavior as your fire and water signs do battle. At the end of the day, all you end up producing at the end of the day is a lot of steam and even more gas.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Marriage changes passion ... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.