HorrorScopes March 28-April 3

Weekly HorrorScopes March 28-April 3

By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). You will receive a lot of compliments on your current outfits. Too bad you're only looking good because everyone bought you clothing for birthday and you'll just go back to wearing greasy sweatpants in a week or two.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). Everyone hates those ego-centric stupid online surveys you post. No one wants to know your favorite sexual position, so stop telling the world.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). You will get excited when you find a treasure map, and after pulling together a highly-trailed team of excavators, you will discover that the map is simply a maze from the back of an old cereal box.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). You will have a pretty severe misunderstanding with a loved one this week. You might want to prepare your own food for a while and sleep with a gun under your pillow.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Yes, they did find the sex tape. They laughed, they cried, and they made copies.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). A winning lottery ticket will end up disintegrating in the pants pocket of your favorite jeans somewhere between the rinse and spin cycle. Also, those jeans are not shrinking, your ass is just growing.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Family matters might come to a forefront in your life this week. You might as well ignore them since they all hate you.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). Your next relationship will surely end because of an ill-timed text message.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). You might want to do a little spring cleaning in the next few weeks. Replace your heating filter, clean your fish tank, get your oil changed, and for goodness sake, throw out the phone number of that person you met at a bar a few months ago. You've been leaving pathetic messages on the answering machine of an 85-year old woman, and she doesn't even want to go grab a cup of coffee with you.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). Stop being so defensive. Constructive criticism is useful tool, especially since you are genuinely acting like a douche bag.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). You might be looking for some excitement right now, but pissing on electric fences is generally not a good idea.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). Try to make some positive changes in your life this week. Start by dumping your significant other before you get too comfortable and start spawning their hideous offspring.

Today's Birthday (March 28). On this day in history, Virginia Woolf committed suicide after becoming depressed and hearing voices in her head. At least the voices in your head only make you kill other people, not yourself.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: You don't get something for nothing in this word, except when you steal it out of your neighbor's backyard.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.