HorrorScopes March 7-13

Weekly HorrorScopes March 7 - 13

By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). Just when you think everything has already gone horribly wrong, you'll find out the true meaning of "koro".

Taurus (April 20-May 20). As the sign of the bull, we are aware that you don't like change, but you should consider changing your lightbulbs once they burn out. your oil every 3,000 miles, and your underwear at least once a week.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). Your dentist secretly uses photos of your mouth as the “before” picture.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). If you want people to respect you, try wearing navy blue since studies show that people associate that color with power and leadership. You might also want to try to start wearing pants, yanno, in general.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). When you are in bed with your partner, they imagine Hayden Christensen instead of you.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Saying “Giggity, giggity, giggity” all the time won’t make you as cool as Quagmire – it’s just liable to get you punched in the face.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). No, the short guy at the coffee shop is a leprechaun - he suffers a rare bone disorder. Quit harassing him to find out where he hid his gold.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). An old flame will come back into your life and make you a bit uncomfortable. If lighting your farts in the 8th grade didn't go so well, what makes you think today will be any different?

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Wow, you're wearing a cute outfit today! It would look fantastic on a more attractive person.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19).You somehow manage to make the entire world around you burst with laughter. Unfortunately, they're laughing AT you, not with you.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): In your lifetime, you have eaten 487 chicken necks, 169 beef rectums, and 247 miscellaneous ground-up eyeballs. You might want to consider cooking for yourself or adding some more vegetables to your diet, or at least stop ordering “scrapple” at your local Denny’s.

Today's Birthday (March 2): Happy Birthday! Although you share the birthday of Dr. Seuss, your poem, "One Bitch, Two Bitch, Red Bitch, Dead Bitch" doesn't quite bring the same joy to families around the world.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): You will never be sad and alone because losers tend to flock to you. I take that back. You'll never be alone.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Don't drink and park - accidents cause people.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.