HorrorScopes February 29-March 6

Weekly HorrorScopes February 29 - March 6
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). For some reason, everything around you will kind of smell like chicken soup. Don't worry, it's not actually chicken soup...it's just a new brain tumor.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). You will entertain all of your co-workers with an impersonation of your boss. They'll be even more entertained by the expression on your employer's face as he walks up behind you without your knowledge.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). Even though the human body is about 61.8 percent water, you have somehow managed to be comprised of about 78% fat-free butter substitute. I always wondered what that stuff was made of—apparently it's YOU.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). Every time you jack off to a YouTube video, a baby kitten dies. This also happens when you leave nasty, irrelevant comments with spelling and grammatical errors... except that the baby kitten gets smashed alive, ground into a fine powder, and mixed in with your dinner.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Every office copier has been misappropriated at least 47 times in its lifespan. Despite the temptation, don't let your butt become another statistic.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). You secretly enjoy the smell of your own farts. And the farts of others. Your just a fart-o-phile.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). A Gemini will rub you the wrong way this week. Next time, use lube, or at least hypoallergenic lotion.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Sept. 21). You will look like a complete jerk when you run into someone who knows you, and no idea who they are. Rather than pretending to know who they are, just tell them that you didn't recognize them with their clothes on.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). If you need to whine and complain, talk to your plants. They are the only living thing that can actually benefit from all the hot air coming out of your mouth.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). In all your past lives, you were just as dull, stupid, and insignificant as you are today, but you were much less ugly.

Today's Birthday (February 29th): You might already know that your birthday is on a Leap year, but did you know that it's also a bissextile day? Really, look it up. See, so now you have an excuse for what you did at that party....it's like you get a "Get Out of Jail Free" card every four years!

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Yes, you do have weird looking toes.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): You have a really mean and ruthless boss that constantly verbally abuses you. Too bad you work for yourself. They make pills for that, you know.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.

HorrorScopes February 22-28

Weekly HorrorScopes February 22 - February 28
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). An over-ambitious impulse will leave you tired, sore, and broke. Rather than trying to save the entire world at once, perhaps you should start small...like rinsing out your freaking yogurt cups before you recycle them. The people down at the Plastics Remanufacturing Plant think you're gross.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). Everyone you know will let you down because they just don't care about anything that isn't fed to them by the local cable networks. The sooner you realize that the world is full of a bunch of lazy slackers that only look to use you, the sooner you will escape...by hanging yourself.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). The reason the guy at the checkout line gives you the stink eye isn't because he's racist or jealous of your "cool hair". For almost two years, you've been on the Local Convience Store Union's blacklist for abusing the "Leave a Penny, Take a Penny" tray. Also, your hair is not cool. It's a little gay, actually.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). Your energy could be a little low today, but instead of guzzling caffeine, perhaps you could use some healthy exercise. Hey, maybe you should piss off the local biker gang by calling them a bunch of goat-humpers...that will at least get you a jog.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). You could use some more fiber in your diet. And perhaps a breath mint.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Whatever you decide to spawn will grow up to use you, resent you, and eventually destroy you. Better to throw yourself down a flight of stairs or stand infront of the microwave to save yourself a life time full of trouble.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Rather than buying peoples’ kids five cheap things from the Dollar Store, just buy them a freaking $5 giftcard to Toys-R-Us or something. Sure, you’ll still look like a cheap bastard, but at least the kids won’t get lead poisoning and/or choke to death on the cheaply-fabricated toys that were made by other five-year olds.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). You will tear apart your entire house looking for your keys or cell phone only to find them deposited securely in your coat pocket - the place you first checked. You're not crazy...it's the gnomes that live in your house messing with you again.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). When you are dropping all your bombs in your workplace toilet, you should really conduct an occasional courtesey flush to spare the guests in the adjacent stall. Not everyone else in the world should have to smell yesterday's bacon grease breakfast mixed with a Mexican lunch, and the lard-stuffed-microwave-meat-pies you call "dinner".

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). In your lifetime, at least three people have woken up next to you and regretted the night before. At least you still got laid, if you can even call it that.

Today's Birthday (February 22nd): On this day, Samuel Byck tries and fails to assassinate U.S. President Richard Nixon...exactly like your parents tried to assassinate you nine months earlier. Are you aware that you have an immunity to RU-486.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): The only reason you’ve made it this far in the world is because of sheer luck, not talent. Better to play lotto in your case than ever try to do something that requires brains and actual abilities.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): A freak accident with a medical waste truck will leave you with the nickname "Sperm Dumpster".

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.

HorrorScopes February 15-21

Weekly HorrorScopes February 15 - February 21
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). You should try to be a little more confident. If you held your head a little higher, you wouldn’t run into so much stuff, and you'll see that helicopter blade coming next week.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). You will feel sociable and friendly today, but make sure you listen for once instead of rambling on and on about dumb crap as usual.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). You naturally have a very short attention span and get easily distracted by trivial matters. If you want to get anywhere in life, you need to avoid shiny objects...especially street signs while you're driving.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). It’s nice that you told that special someone how you really feel last week, but you probably should have left the part out about feeling bloated and gassy.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Your TiVo secretly judges you.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Quit lying about your age/weight/annual income. Nobody really cares anyhow, and you look like a moron for bending the truth.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). A black cat will cross your path. This isn’t a sign of bad luck – it’s just a sign that the crazy old lady down the street is feeding all the neighborhood animals again. You had better go talk to her before your back yard turns into a litter box.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Sept. 21). Don't worry, that mole isn't cancerous - it's just a dead parasitic twin.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). You will have wild emotional ups and down this week, which will be frustrating for you and everyone in your immediate vicinity. Regardless of your gender, take a freaking Midol and calm your ass down.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). You will be groped on a subway.

Today's Birthday (February 15th): Happy Birthday! You will celebrate this special day by groping someone on a subway.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): A horrible photo of you from 10 years ago will resurface in an e-mail forward. Sadly, it will still look better than your current MySpace photo. (You really need to work on your Photoshopping skills.)

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). No one wants to hear the graphic details of all of your past sexual conquests, especially when they involve peanut butter and your dog.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: People that live in glass houses should probably change their clothes in the basement.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.

Great Find: Chickens Run the School

Great Sphinx Great Find: Chickens Run Local High School

Why is it that I somehow think my son, The Wiccan Chicken, is behind all of this Story from Philadelphia's ABC 6

NORTHEAST PHILADELPHIA - February 11, 2008 (WPVI) -- Northeast Philadelphia High School will be open on Tuesday following a fowl prank. Over the weekend someone put 85 of Rhode Island Red chickens inside the building. They caused a big mess, and sent students home early.

85 healthy hens, Rhode Island Reds, were laying eggs Monday afternoon at the city's Fox Chase Farm. They're calm and relaxed, but that's a far cry from the disruption they caused earlier in the day at Northeast High School, where the birds were used in a cruel and dirty prank.
Over the weekend chicken feed was spread all over the first and second floors of the school. Then, the birds were released, creating the predictable, unsanitary mess.

The foul play was not discovered until school officials arrived for classes Monday morning. Students got the picture as they arrived, and eventually, classes were cancelled for the entire student body.

School district officials say surveillance video shows four people wearing hoods to shield their identities as they spread the chicken feed, then released the seven-dozen healthy chickens into the hallway.

An expensive clean up effort was carried out all day, and the investigation goes on into who is responsible.
(Copyright ©2008 WPVI-TV/DT. All Rights Reserved.)

Photo by Steve Ford Elliott

HorrorScopes February 8-14

Weekly HorrorScopes February 8 - February 14
Valentine's Week Special
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). Romance is not dead - you just slightly injured it when you bought that stupid Homer Simpson underwear.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). More people would send you Valentine's Day cards if you weren't so fat. You'd probably slim down a bit if chewed your food at least 20 times per bite, rather than just unhinging your jaw and devouring entire gazelles like you normally do.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). Love is in the air, but you might feel like there is some distance between you and your mate. If you want to appear desirable, stop leaving the door open while you're on the can.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). You'll get a sexy surprise next week that involves lingerie and edible underwear. Too bad your transvestite neighbor will be the one wearing the ensemble.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). You might be a little short on cash this week, so instead of making an elbow-macaroni-and-glitter card, you might just want to write a poem from the heart. Make sure it does not start with "There once was a girl from Nantucket..."

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Quit posting up blogs filled with melodramatic online surveys about how “you're going to spend Valentine's Day sad and alone because nobody loves you”. Although that might be true, fishing for compliments isn’t going to boost your self esteem, and in fact, it’s pissing off the few friends that you have.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Regardless of your gender, you might want to treat your significant other by actually shaving or trimming down some of that body hair of yours. Come on! Birds are starting to build nests in that thing.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Sept. 21). You will receive a delicious box of chocolates from a secret admirer, and you will almost die when you take the first decadent bite. In addition, the sender of the package will also die by the hands of his wife because he sent her present to the wrong address.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). If you are looking for little gifts for your loved ones, try to avoid buying a ton of crappy, over-priced, heart-shaped stuffed animals that make obnoxious kissing noises. No one wants them, and those things are just stuffed with dust mites, cat hair, and wood chips anyhow.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). Stealing flowers for your girlfriend from cemeteries is not an acceptable form of "Recycling", you bastard.

Today's Birthday (February 8th): Happy Birthday and Nirvana Day! No, Nirvana Day is not a day to celebrate Kurt Cobain...I'm pretty sure there's no National Heroine Day, but we'll see if that changes once we elect a new President.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). If you aren't dating or married to the person, you're little romantic gestures could be construed as "stalking", which is punishable in a court of law.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). You will fall for the marketing ploy of buying the cookies, pizzas and other junk that’s cut into heart-shapes pieces for the holiday, which will lead you to spend more money on less volume of food.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Absence makes the heart go wander.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.

HorrorScope February 1-7

Weekly HorrorScopes February 1 - February 7

By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). You might have just gotten paid, but don’t you dare head straight to the mall. If you can’t get someone to supervise your shopping and fashion choices, avoid spending this week. (Also, avoid sweatpants – they are not a fashion statement).

Taurus (April 20-May 20). If you think you smell the winds of change, it’s probably just the wind coming out of your partner’s backside.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). Attached Geminis: You will learn something new about your partners today: their birthday. Yeah, you missed it, so good luck with that. Single Geminis: You can feel good that they won’t be any trouble for you this week, but then again, nothing much will happen either since your life is typically mundane and uneventful.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). If you keep text messaging that much, your thumbs are going to break, develop gangrene, and fall off your body like shriveled little prunes. At least then you’ll save a couple bucks on your cell phone bill! You'll probably have a hard time opening jars, though....

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). This weekend, you will have a hot three-way – you, a large pepperoni pizza, and TiVo. Sounds exciting, doesn’t it?

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). No more caffeine for you! You're starting to look a little..twitchy.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Yes, those sunglasses DO make you look like a movie star. Elton John.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Sept. 21). Congrats on the raise! You just got bumped up into a new annoying tax bracket! Rather than giving all your money to Uncle Sam, perhaps you should make a donation to a worthy cause. Just let the Pagan Penguin know your bank account number and she'll figure out something to do with it.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Try to widen your social circle this week. All your current friends are losers that just use you for free rides to the mall.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). Writing reviews of movies, books, albums on your blogs might make you feel like an intelligent critic, but you're really just a lazy ass that would rather criticize other people than do anything with your life. Before you criticize the mise-en-scene in the last episode of Ugly Betty, actually sit down, write a script, borrow your dad's video camera, shoot the film using your sister as the lead role, edit it together, attempt to compose your own musical score by clanging the two pots you own together, and then see if your little piece of art compares with what you get to watch on the networks for free.

Today's Birthday (February 1st): You and Boris Nikolayevich Yeltsin share birthdays! You also share your crazy dance skills:


Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). When the moon is in the Seventh House and Jupiter aligns with Mars, then peace will guide the planets and love will steer the stars. This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius! The age of Aquarius! Aquariuuuuuuuuuus! Aquariuuuuuuuus! In addition, for some reason, you will have an annoying song stuck in your head all week.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). When someone announces that they just got engaged, it's usually not appropriate to say, "My sincerest condolences," even if they are making a huge, huge mistake. Likewise, when you hear about someone's unfortunate passing, it's not appropriate to ask, "Will there be an open bar after we stick 'em in the ground?"

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.