HorrorScopes February 15-21

Weekly HorrorScopes February 15 - February 21
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). You should try to be a little more confident. If you held your head a little higher, you wouldn’t run into so much stuff, and you'll see that helicopter blade coming next week.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). You will feel sociable and friendly today, but make sure you listen for once instead of rambling on and on about dumb crap as usual.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). You naturally have a very short attention span and get easily distracted by trivial matters. If you want to get anywhere in life, you need to avoid shiny objects...especially street signs while you're driving.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). It’s nice that you told that special someone how you really feel last week, but you probably should have left the part out about feeling bloated and gassy.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Your TiVo secretly judges you.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Quit lying about your age/weight/annual income. Nobody really cares anyhow, and you look like a moron for bending the truth.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). A black cat will cross your path. This isn’t a sign of bad luck – it’s just a sign that the crazy old lady down the street is feeding all the neighborhood animals again. You had better go talk to her before your back yard turns into a litter box.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Sept. 21). Don't worry, that mole isn't cancerous - it's just a dead parasitic twin.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). You will have wild emotional ups and down this week, which will be frustrating for you and everyone in your immediate vicinity. Regardless of your gender, take a freaking Midol and calm your ass down.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). You will be groped on a subway.

Today's Birthday (February 15th): Happy Birthday! You will celebrate this special day by groping someone on a subway.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): A horrible photo of you from 10 years ago will resurface in an e-mail forward. Sadly, it will still look better than your current MySpace photo. (You really need to work on your Photoshopping skills.)

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). No one wants to hear the graphic details of all of your past sexual conquests, especially when they involve peanut butter and your dog.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: People that live in glass houses should probably change their clothes in the basement.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.