HorrorScopes February 29-March 6

Weekly HorrorScopes February 29 - March 6
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). For some reason, everything around you will kind of smell like chicken soup. Don't worry, it's not actually chicken soup...it's just a new brain tumor.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). You will entertain all of your co-workers with an impersonation of your boss. They'll be even more entertained by the expression on your employer's face as he walks up behind you without your knowledge.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). Even though the human body is about 61.8 percent water, you have somehow managed to be comprised of about 78% fat-free butter substitute. I always wondered what that stuff was made of—apparently it's YOU.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). Every time you jack off to a YouTube video, a baby kitten dies. This also happens when you leave nasty, irrelevant comments with spelling and grammatical errors... except that the baby kitten gets smashed alive, ground into a fine powder, and mixed in with your dinner.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Every office copier has been misappropriated at least 47 times in its lifespan. Despite the temptation, don't let your butt become another statistic.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). You secretly enjoy the smell of your own farts. And the farts of others. Your just a fart-o-phile.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). A Gemini will rub you the wrong way this week. Next time, use lube, or at least hypoallergenic lotion.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Sept. 21). You will look like a complete jerk when you run into someone who knows you, and no idea who they are. Rather than pretending to know who they are, just tell them that you didn't recognize them with their clothes on.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). If you need to whine and complain, talk to your plants. They are the only living thing that can actually benefit from all the hot air coming out of your mouth.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). In all your past lives, you were just as dull, stupid, and insignificant as you are today, but you were much less ugly.

Today's Birthday (February 29th): You might already know that your birthday is on a Leap year, but did you know that it's also a bissextile day? Really, look it up. See, so now you have an excuse for what you did at that party....it's like you get a "Get Out of Jail Free" card every four years!

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Yes, you do have weird looking toes.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): You have a really mean and ruthless boss that constantly verbally abuses you. Too bad you work for yourself. They make pills for that, you know.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.