HorrorScopes February 22-28

Weekly HorrorScopes February 22 - February 28
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). An over-ambitious impulse will leave you tired, sore, and broke. Rather than trying to save the entire world at once, perhaps you should start small...like rinsing out your freaking yogurt cups before you recycle them. The people down at the Plastics Remanufacturing Plant think you're gross.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). Everyone you know will let you down because they just don't care about anything that isn't fed to them by the local cable networks. The sooner you realize that the world is full of a bunch of lazy slackers that only look to use you, the sooner you will escape...by hanging yourself.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). The reason the guy at the checkout line gives you the stink eye isn't because he's racist or jealous of your "cool hair". For almost two years, you've been on the Local Convience Store Union's blacklist for abusing the "Leave a Penny, Take a Penny" tray. Also, your hair is not cool. It's a little gay, actually.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). Your energy could be a little low today, but instead of guzzling caffeine, perhaps you could use some healthy exercise. Hey, maybe you should piss off the local biker gang by calling them a bunch of goat-humpers...that will at least get you a jog.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). You could use some more fiber in your diet. And perhaps a breath mint.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Whatever you decide to spawn will grow up to use you, resent you, and eventually destroy you. Better to throw yourself down a flight of stairs or stand infront of the microwave to save yourself a life time full of trouble.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Rather than buying peoples’ kids five cheap things from the Dollar Store, just buy them a freaking $5 giftcard to Toys-R-Us or something. Sure, you’ll still look like a cheap bastard, but at least the kids won’t get lead poisoning and/or choke to death on the cheaply-fabricated toys that were made by other five-year olds.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). You will tear apart your entire house looking for your keys or cell phone only to find them deposited securely in your coat pocket - the place you first checked. You're not crazy...it's the gnomes that live in your house messing with you again.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). When you are dropping all your bombs in your workplace toilet, you should really conduct an occasional courtesey flush to spare the guests in the adjacent stall. Not everyone else in the world should have to smell yesterday's bacon grease breakfast mixed with a Mexican lunch, and the lard-stuffed-microwave-meat-pies you call "dinner".

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). In your lifetime, at least three people have woken up next to you and regretted the night before. At least you still got laid, if you can even call it that.

Today's Birthday (February 22nd): On this day, Samuel Byck tries and fails to assassinate U.S. President Richard Nixon...exactly like your parents tried to assassinate you nine months earlier. Are you aware that you have an immunity to RU-486.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): The only reason you’ve made it this far in the world is because of sheer luck, not talent. Better to play lotto in your case than ever try to do something that requires brains and actual abilities.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): A freak accident with a medical waste truck will leave you with the nickname "Sperm Dumpster".

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.