HorrorScopes February 8-14

Weekly HorrorScopes February 8 - February 14
Valentine's Week Special
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). Romance is not dead - you just slightly injured it when you bought that stupid Homer Simpson underwear.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). More people would send you Valentine's Day cards if you weren't so fat. You'd probably slim down a bit if chewed your food at least 20 times per bite, rather than just unhinging your jaw and devouring entire gazelles like you normally do.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). Love is in the air, but you might feel like there is some distance between you and your mate. If you want to appear desirable, stop leaving the door open while you're on the can.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). You'll get a sexy surprise next week that involves lingerie and edible underwear. Too bad your transvestite neighbor will be the one wearing the ensemble.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). You might be a little short on cash this week, so instead of making an elbow-macaroni-and-glitter card, you might just want to write a poem from the heart. Make sure it does not start with "There once was a girl from Nantucket..."

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Quit posting up blogs filled with melodramatic online surveys about how “you're going to spend Valentine's Day sad and alone because nobody loves you”. Although that might be true, fishing for compliments isn’t going to boost your self esteem, and in fact, it’s pissing off the few friends that you have.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Regardless of your gender, you might want to treat your significant other by actually shaving or trimming down some of that body hair of yours. Come on! Birds are starting to build nests in that thing.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Sept. 21). You will receive a delicious box of chocolates from a secret admirer, and you will almost die when you take the first decadent bite. In addition, the sender of the package will also die by the hands of his wife because he sent her present to the wrong address.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). If you are looking for little gifts for your loved ones, try to avoid buying a ton of crappy, over-priced, heart-shaped stuffed animals that make obnoxious kissing noises. No one wants them, and those things are just stuffed with dust mites, cat hair, and wood chips anyhow.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). Stealing flowers for your girlfriend from cemeteries is not an acceptable form of "Recycling", you bastard.

Today's Birthday (February 8th): Happy Birthday and Nirvana Day! No, Nirvana Day is not a day to celebrate Kurt Cobain...I'm pretty sure there's no National Heroine Day, but we'll see if that changes once we elect a new President.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). If you aren't dating or married to the person, you're little romantic gestures could be construed as "stalking", which is punishable in a court of law.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). You will fall for the marketing ploy of buying the cookies, pizzas and other junk that’s cut into heart-shapes pieces for the holiday, which will lead you to spend more money on less volume of food.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Absence makes the heart go wander.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.