HorrorScope January 11-17

Weekly HorrorScope January 11 - January 17
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Now with 20% More Scorpio!

Aries (March 21-April 19). Think you're such a technological quiz? When why is it that you have not one, but FOUR "universal" remotes for your TV?

Taurus (April 20-May 20). Don't be afraid to spend a little money on yourself for basic needs. It's pretty sad when you match your socks based on the general faded color and location of holes. Follow this rule of thumb: If you can see you big toe, it's time to go.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). Owning a deck of tarot cards doesn't automatically make you a witch. It takes hard work, study, and practice. But if you're interested, I have this really nice flying broomstick for sale, just do me a favor and jot down your credit card numbers right here.....

Cancer (June 22-July 22). It's really time for you sort through your junk mail. Handy tip: You can help save the environment by not only recycling the 8.5 million Victoria's Secret Catalogues you get per week, but reusing them for your drinking games, as advised by the beautiful Brooke Marks:


Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Those overpriced Crest White Strips might make your teeth look brighter, but they sure as heck aren't helping the hideous gingivitis and black you are forming between your teeth. Floss - it's the law. Okay, maybe it's not, but it should be.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). That veal you ate last night would have grown up to be a leader amongst calves, a hero amongst all bovines, and a very handsome leather wallet.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). I don't care what you say about getting bitten by a "Beer Vampire;" the only reason you start insatiably craving booze when the sun goes down is because you're an alcoholic.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Sept. 21). Sorry to break it to you, but there's no such thing as low-calorie mayo. It's just straight up cancer-butter they're smearing on your sandwich. And because we accidentally left you out last week, we figured we would give you a bonus fortune and let you know that there is no such thing as: The Easter Bunny, The Tooth Fairy, Chicken-Fried-Chicken, The Boogie Man, Santa, Scientologists, and Your Mother's Love.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). You are going to have to lose the old student I.D. and save the embarrassment when someone denies you the discount. Come on, that picture is starting to look like aged papyrus...but now that you mention it, so do you!

Today's Birthday (January 10): You need to work on communicating better with your loved one. And that means, tell them what the hell you want for your birthday. Even the psychic penguin and chicken have no idea what the heck you want, so cut the crap and forward along your Amazon.com wishlist!

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). Many years ago, your mom accidentally ingested a bottle of nail polish remover thinking it was vodka and spent the next day puking her guts up...not from the acetone, but because she was pregnant with you at the time. And that explains your nervous twitch.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Find a penny, pick it up, all the day you'll have good luck. Just make sure you wash your hands - that lucky penny just went through a large badger's digestive system.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). You are lucky that no one has ever ripped off one of your many, many ideas. It makes a lot of sense, since after all, imitation is the most sincere form of flattery, and who the heck would imitate you?



Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day:Anti-bacteria soap may be good, but stop for a moment to ponder the surviving .01%. I believe they are waiting, watching, and planning a full-out attack. First stop? Your colon.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.