HorrorScope January 25-31

Weekly HorrorScope January 25 - January 31
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). Make the world a better place by bitch-slapping the next insolent teenie-bopper that rolls their eyes when you ask for whipped-cream on your latte. This whole "Me" generation crap has got to stop. If you are paying $5 for a cup of coffee, that should definitely include a free side of whoopass at your discretion.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). You should always look both ways before you cross the street and more importantly, look in the mirror before you leave the house. That booger has been on your face ALL day.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). The whole "It didn't count because it was in another zip code" thing is B.S. Your partner will find out that you cheated when that "other zip code’s" scabies rash shows up.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). Why do you continually waste money diet and exercise books, DVD’s, and gym memberships? You know you're never gonna use them! You might as well just save your money and use it to buy more Cheetos or something.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Yes, they are snickering about your purchase after you leave your local pharmacy.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). If you don't service your car soon, it's going to blow up in your face. Oh, I'm sorry, did we say car? We meant "wife".

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Your landlord wouldn't keep your entire damage deposit if you just put something underneath your shaving cream can so the rust doesn't get on the shower ledge. 'Cuz you KNOW that's worth at LEAST $800 in landlord's terms....

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Sept. 21). All the garlic and beef you're eating is coming out of your pores and making you smell like a fat camp on a hot day. Mix up your diet a little if you ever want to get intimate with a real human.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Your best friend will finally confess an embarrassing secret after months of bottling it all upside. Make sure you post it up on your blog tonight so we can all "feel their pain" - and laugh our freaking butts off.

Today's Birthday (January 24): Wow, you share the same birthday as Will Smith! As awesome as that is, you probably don't want to exchange gifts with Old Will, lest you end up with a Scientology Stress Test like he bought you LAST year.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). If you keep acting irresponsibly, you and Heath Ledger are going to have a lot in common - and we certainly don't mean great hair, a sexy smile, and a killer Australian accent.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Someone at the office has a crush on you. Clues: It's the person that keeps coming over just to ask you trivial questions...the person that laughs at all your jokes...Have you guessed yet? Okay, last clue: It's the person that keeps the heads of ex's in the freezer in the basement.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). Everyone knows that your complaints that "life is holding you back" are just excuses because you're too stupid and lazy to actually do anything better. Change your attitude (and your underwear) and things will get better.


Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: There's nothing to fear but fear itself...and of course vaginal dentata.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.