HorrorScope January 4-10

Weekly HorrorScope January 4 - January 10
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). Now tell me, do you really “need” 9 different e-mail addresses? Your taking up valuable space that Google could be using for porn.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). You will feel large amounts of stress and anger this week. Instead of using your spouse and children as punching bags, you should just take a trip to another state, heck, maybe even a nice remote lake somewhere. That way, the cops will have a harder time finding the bodies.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). You might think New Year’s Resolutions are silly, but would it be so bad to resolve to never eat anything preceded my “Mc”, i.e. McNuggets, McFlurries, McMuffins and of course, McJagger. All of these items are way too high in fat and alcohol.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). If you are considering reproducing, don’t. If you have already reproduced, please stop. Thank you for not overpopulating the world with your inbred offspring. Oh, wait…nobody told you about you mom and dad?

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Losing three pounds from the food poisoning you had last week does not count as a diet, so stop licking raw chicken (besides, it tickles and makes me feel kinda funny - Wic.)

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). If you want to get a better haircut, you might want to stop asking the girl at the salon if she provides “Happy Ending Specials.”

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Why, oh, why did you finish that last piece of Christmas candy? Your starting to look like the New Year's ball.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Sept. 21). You have keen attention to details. Also, you secretly like the smell of your own farts. That's gross.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Idea for a New Year’s Resolution: Try to stop being so much like…you. Maybe you could pick out a famous person that’s nicer than you to emulate, like Charles Manson or Jeffrey Dahmer.

Today's Birthday (Dec 28): Listen, just because it's your birthday doesn't mean that everyone can drop everything, get you a cake, sing songs to you, give you presents, and pay all this attention to you. Don't you realise that it is ALSO National Trivia Day and some people don't have time to celebrate both! Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to look up the gestation period of sea monkeys.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). You might be popular, but that’s only because you're a total whore.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). You might need to get some exercise. Since you are a lazy sack of crap, you already know that laughing burns calories. But screaming at the top of your lungs burns even more - why don't you try it?

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). Time for a trim! After all, you control your nose hairs - your nose hairs don't control you.


Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day:If you think nobody cares if you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of credit card payments.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.