HorrorScope January 18-24

Weekly HorrorScope January 11 - January 17
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). Always remember to always think before you act . If you've seen any film with Hayden Christensen, you would see an example of an Aries that NEVER thinks before he acts.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). Don't waste your money on that nose job, it will just call more attention to your beak. People will just say, “Hey, So-and-So got a nose job!” rather than “Wow, doesn’t So-and-So have a fine looking shnozz? I think it’s time to give them a raise.”

Gemini (May 21-June 21). Unless you have already seen Cloverfield, we suggest you get the heck off the internet and go see it before some vindictive a-holes post spoilers everywhere. You know, we didn't even have to be psychic about the end of Harry Potter - some jerk wrote it on the freaking bathroom stall door. Don't worry, shortly thereafter, he got hit by a bus (the guy that wrote on the bathroom door, not Harry Potter. Harry Potter gets eaten alive by a mongoose.)

Cancer (June 22-July 22). Your complete lack of ethics would make you a great business person and an extraordinarily corrupt politician. I mean, look at what it did to your fellow Cancer buddy, George W. Bush?

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). You've always been a little bit psychic, which is why you are convinced that the CIA is tapping your phone calls. Really, your life is not that interesting, so that "funny feeling of being watched" is just your ISP logging your illegal downloads.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). You've always held the attitude that if you want something done right, do it yourself. But since your toilet is still is leaking into your neighbor's living room and the computer you repaired still smells like burning plastic, why don't you scrap that idea and call a professional?

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). You are always very sympathetic to other peoples' problems and you care about the fate of the world a great deal. This makes you a complete sucker 80% more susceptible to online scammers.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Sept. 21). Beware of papercuts from manila folders. They bleed FOREVER!

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Your lack of disciple will hurt you when you miss a deadline because of your drinking binge the night before. Your boss won't get as mad at you if you actually change out of your smoke-filled, beer/mystery stained party outfit this time.

Today's Birthday (January 18): Happy Birthday & Happy Winnie the Pooh Day. Feel free to binge on cake and cookies to celebrate these momentous occasions, but don't be surprised if your ass gets stuck in a window or when your snout gets lodged in a jar full of "Hunny".

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). Quit blaming your life's problems on your crappy childhood; your problems are caused by the simple fact that you're a complete moron.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). You are extremely practical, which also makes you really boring. At times, people avoid you so they can escape your endless, pointless, dry conversations. Come on Aquarius - no one really wants to see those pictures from your damn kid's birthday party.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). Pisces women might think they know what's best for people, but their know-it-all attitude comes off as more bitchy than helpful. You only have the right to criticize people that came screaming out your nether regions, so that includes your children, your husband, and that one-night stand that you probably don't remember. Pisces men should go get that lump examined.



Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. This makes you very attractive to the deaf, dumb & blind.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.