HorrorScopes December 28-January 4

Weekly HorrorScopes December 28 - January 4
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). You will run into a close friend of yours...returning that crappy gift you gave them for Christmas. Don't look so offended; you know you totally recycled that gift from one of your dead relatives.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). If you've been enjoying a little solitude over the past week, you might want to brush the corn chips off your pants and revisit society today. People might think you're dead, and you don't want to get their hopes up.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). Rather than make a list of New Year's Resolutions, perhaps you should save yourself time by making a list of good traits you posses. That'll save yah some writing, big time!

Cancer (June 22-July 22). If you guzzle that cheap champagne at the New Year's party, you're gonna wake up with an unwanted headache. His name is Bob.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). Conversations with people in authority can be very important this week. Keep in mind, you should never refer to a police officer as a "Pig." They prefer the term "Po-po."

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). I don’t care what your mom says, you would NOT look good dressed up as the “New Year’s Baby”.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Congratulations! One of your parents gave out your social security number and bank information when a ruthless phone solicitor called who was claiming to be a debt collector. Finally; this is the excuse you’ve been looking for to finally put them in an old-folks home, guilt-free!

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). This New Years, you will be forgotten and alone, even by your astrologer.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). You will feel like having some ethnic food this week. Shortly thereafter, you will feel like having a colon cleansing.

Today's Birthday (Dec 28): You share the same birthday as Denzel Washington - you two actually have a lot in common, except for the fact that he’s smooth and sassy and you’re just fat and gassy.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). You will be depressed when the love of your life does not kiss you on New Year's Eve. After all, it's almost physically impossible to kiss your own ass, so perhaps it would be easier if you just lick your own reflection in the mirror.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Instead of doing some much-needed work, you will be compelled to watch YouTube videos of fainting goats, Tesla coils, and dancing bananas. You know, if someone can sue McDonald’s for serving hot coffee, someone really should sue YouTube for time-burglaring.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). If you are seriously considering going out to Times Square in that mess of people and weather, then you deserve to have that wino "accidentally" piss on your leg.


Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day:A New Year's resolutions is something that goes in one Year and out the other.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.