HorrorScope December 21-27

Weekly HorrorScopes Dec 21 - Dec 27
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). You might experience some holiday drama this year with some overzealous house guests. Make sure you keep around some non-alcoholic beer unless you want your best friend to end up sobbing on your new couch cushions.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). Wear the ugly knitted sweater, please. Do it for grandma…

Gemini (May 21-June 21). We know it's customary to fall asleep after watching the claymation reindeer movies and the "Christmas Story" marathons while your spouse angrily stomps around the house. Perhaps it's time to start a new family tradition before you are served a beautifully wrapped box of divorce papers. Oh, wait, there's a "Trading Spaces" marathon coming up right after dinner! Well, you didn't like your spouse anyway, right?

Cancer (June 22-July 22). Never combine mistletoe with too much eggnog. Less deadly mixtures have been made out of bleach and ammonia.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). So what if you've gained like 10, 15, or more likely, 20 pounds during this holiday season? You'll lose it all when you get that debilitating tapeworm from your great-aunt's cooking.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Let's face it, you have a lousy memory. So before you decide to recycle that silver-plated gravy boat you got as a present a few years ago, try avoid giving it back to the person that purchased it for you.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Your patented "Sexy Holiday Outfit" will look even better if someone thinner and younger was wearing it instead of you.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). You might be in the mood to "Deck the Halls" but must you deck the entire neighborhood with your 40-foot blow-up Santa, jolly blinking snowman that causes small Asian children seizures, reindeer with a missing leg, and combination nativity scene/singing Noah's ark display? Your neighbor can't sleep because of the glare radiating off your lawn.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). If you randomly hook up with some stranger at a holiday party, just be sure he's not your cousin. You don't want flipper-babies, do you?

Today's birthday (Dec 21). You will still continue to hear the famous excuse, "Oh, today's your birthday? Uhh...well, I got you a combined Christmas and Birthday gift. Yeah...you'll have it in a few days." So, Happy Gypped-Out-of-a-Gift Day.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, you will probably spend most of the holidays in a county jail. But lucky for you, your cellmate managed to smuggle in mistletoe.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Being nice around the holidays isn't worth anything if you are a Grinch the rest of the year. Quit acting like such as ass every once in a while and maybe people will start inviting you to parties instead of sending you Christmas-themed snow globes from the dollar store.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). I seem to remember warning you about something in October and you just didn't listen. If you enjoy your health, for the love of Luna and all that is holy, PUT THE COOKIE DOWN!


Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Santa is just a fake story people tell children in order to control their behavior. I am so sorry you had to find out this way. Maybe he would actually appear in read life if you splurged on some name-brand cookies instead of these Cookie-Chew-O things.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.