HorrorScopes December 7-13

Weekly HorrorScope December 7 - December 13
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). Sometimes, things are NOT better left unsaid. If you don’t tell your significant other about the broccoli in their teeth, they will find it later and blame you for all eternity.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). Buy an umbrella. There’s a shit-storm around the corner for you.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). You might feel a little bit uneasy about an upcoming review at work. No one is going to fire you for stealing Post-It Notes™, but they might object to the constant stream of profanity that leaves your mouth whenever you use the copy machine.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). The street you live on is going to be famous on TV! Too bad the news story will be entitled “Tragic Menorah Inferno Engulfs Neighborhood”.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). That bag of old crap you donated to Good Will contained toys full of lead paint. See, even things you do out of kindness end up causing destruction - I'm pretty sure you're cursed.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Don’t let the winter blues get you down – go out and socialize before you start looking like one of those bug-eyed, nocturnal Aye-Ayes (look it up - it's like looking in a mirror!)

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). If you don’t start paying your bills on time, the repo men come take your couch with your family still sitting on it*. (*Note: Repo men usually return repossessed family members, so don't get too excited).

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). Your partner/roommate will get freaked out when you talk in your sleep about the various heinous murders you have committed in the past. Don’t worry, I know you don’t remember committing any murders in “real life” (you were actually sleepwalking at the time.)

Today's birthday (Dec 7): On this day, the day of your birth, Cicero died. No, he is not a rapper. ::Sigh:: I hope someone buys you a clue and wraps it in a plastic bag so you'll suffocate trying to find it

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). You really need to work on your "technique". And I'm not talking about golf.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). In your past, you have pissed off an Earth sign and they’re still fuming. You might want to make amends before karma causes the bowels of the earth to swallow you, chew off your face, and spit you out somewhere off in the North Atlantic.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). If you keep leaving empty containers of food/liquid in the refrigerator, a Scorpio in your household might just murder you in your sleep.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). A close Sagittariusis very mad at you because you forgot their birthday. Save yourself a headache and use some kinda free online calendar thingie so people stop making voodoo dolls in your likeness.


Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day:Don’t have too many irons in the fire – it gets too many panties in a bunch. Learn how to relax.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.