HorrorScope December 14-20

Weekly HorrorScope December 14 - December 20
By Wiccan Chicken & Pagan Penguin

Aries (March 21-April 19). Maybe you should ask for some new pants for the holidays? I don't care what you think - the hole-in-the-crotch look was never really in style.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). You are a strong, hard worker with high standards and ethics. After all, most people just cruise through life just taking and screwing and partying and YouTube-ing and vomiting and screwing some more and drinking and eating and crapping and stealing and lying and backstabbing and vegetating and masturbating and cheating and burping and farting and TiVo-ing and NOT recycling at all..and you don't do any of that stuff! Man...you are one boring person.

Gemini (May 21-June 21). A business associate might try to get a rise out of you, but you will be seen as the stronger person if you turn the other cheek (and later put laxatives in his coffee).

Cancer (June 22-July 22). You will be swept into a corrupt world of online-Scrabble, where the stakes are high and the triple-word scores are fastidiously scrutinize by gaggle of letter-hungry necrosyrtes monachus.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). You could probably use a little more fiber in your diet.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). The stars have a little surprise in store for you in a just a few months - it's a boy! Male Virgos need not worry - it's not actually yours anyhow. Female Virgos - you have a lot of explaining to do, and remember, no one believes in that "Immaculate Conception" stuff anyhow. Oh, some people do? Well, that's pretty weird...

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). OMG WTF, why are you still reading this? Get up! You are in danger! Get out get out, now! Run for your life! RUUUUUN! YOU'RE GONNA DIIIIIIIIIIIIE! AHHHHH!!!!!






















(Aw, did you actually get scared? Hee hee, Libras are so gullible.)

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). You have a great attention to detail. Most people don't shop around for the best deal while agonizing over what color and style of every object their purchase, and then sit up at night and wonder if they made the right decision - but you do! And of course, you are always willing to go through all the trash in your house to make sure that no one accidentally threw out a treasured token or piece of aluminum foil that could be reused. You are unique in your neurotic behavior, that's for sure.

Today's Birthday (Dec 14): You share the same birthday Michel de Nostredame, otherwise known as the late, great Nostradamus. That explains why you have felt the presence of your own psychic abilities throughout your entire life. But before you open your own fortune-telling business, you should probably know that no one cares what episode of the Simpsons they are going to broadcast next week or what song is going to come on the radio. Don't quit yer day job.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). We might have a crystal ball, but your partner certainly does not! If you want something special for the holidays, speak now or forever hold your Limited-Edition Thomas Kincade Miniature Ceramic Village Gift Set (with the bonus light-up street lamps kit!)

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). You will have a fulfilling life that is full of wonder and delight. Wait a minute...I think that's Johnny Depp's horoscope...I can't quite see yours in the crystal ball through all the fire and brimstone. Hmm, wonder what that means....

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Pipe down - the neighbors are starting to complain about all of your late-night "noises," if you know what I mean. Hey, where'd you get a goat at 3 am, anyhow?

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). You will probably be excited to talk to just about everyone you meet today. Too bad you don't have anything interesting to say.

Buddhist Monkey Proverb of the Day: Where there's a will, there's a greedy relative wielding a lawsuit.

Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters who think you are looking for any excuse to sue someone. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only.